Thursday, 29 October 2009

You Madam are some Bad Candy

Mugatu owes me a Piano Key Neck Tie for this one.

on Thieving Self Regulating MPs

Pinched from excellent Old Holborn.

Death or Glory !

It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat.

  • Theodore Roosevelt Citizenship in a Republic — a speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, France, 23/04/1910)

Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Cunting fucking useless fucking trains!

Why the holy cunting fucking cunting fuck is it that the train costs £60-£70 Manchester to London return while the bus costs £10 return?

Granted you are stuck for an extra hour on the bus but it holds 5 times fewer people!

Rail privatisation in this country is a joke, what it needs is proper competition to drive down prices instead of this stupid franchise monopoly gangfuck where everyone looses.

Breasts Are Awesome!

After writing a letter to the president of Yellow Cab talent agency, asking to become a star, the uber-busty Harumi Nemoto has risen to become one of the most popular idols in Japan. In addition to releasing two extra-sexy DVDs, X-body and Surf Girl, Harumi also writes a column in the montly manga magazine, Manga Life. So not only is she hot, but she can write, is into manga, and she’s hot. Did I mention she’s hot? No? Well, she is.

What's it like to be a Lawyer?

Somehow a small child, presumably owned by one of the Mrs braying she demon acquaintances, has worked up the courage (or perhaps is just possessed of truly monumental levels of stupidity), disobeyed their parents strict rules never to talk to me, pierced the veil of hate and evil that visibly swirls round me and asked what it is like to be a lawyer.

Now I enjoy my job, it's my niche, shouting at people and ruining their lives is all I am good for (well, battlefleet tactics aswell but not a big gap in the market there at the moment) but I know that it is a truly horrible environment that no sane person would ever want to enter unless they are 1 a horrible horrible man or 2 a girl with ridiculously low self esteem who enjoys being treated like shit and shouted at by sadistic old duffers who should have been staked and buried millennia ago.

Fortunately I was able to summon a sound byte from The Thick of It to answer the query.

All I do: I work, I eat, I shower, that's it. Occasionally I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean that really IS my treat. I sit there and I think - no, I'm not gonna read the New Statesman, this time is just for me. This is quality time just for me. Is it normal?

Tuesday, 27 October 2009

Battleships are cool (an occasional series)

HMS Warspite (pennant number 03) was a Queen Elizabeth-class battleship of the British Royal Navy. She was launched on 26 November 1913 at Devonport Royal Dockyard. She was, and is, one of the most famous and glamorous of names in the Royal Navy. Warspite would, during World War II, gain the nickname "The Grand Old Lady", after a comment made by Admiral Sir Andrew Cunningham in 1943.

Warspite, and the rest of the class, was the brainchild of two men. One was Admiral Sir John 'Jackie' Fisher, who was First Sea Lord when the first all big-gun battleship, HMS Dreadnought, came into existence. The other was Winston S. Churchill, First Lord of the Admiralty, who was paramount in getting the Queen Elizabeths off the drawing board and into the water; but he was also influenced in a number of decisions about the Queen Elizabeths by Lord Fisher, who had been persuaded to come out of retirement by Churchill.

In 1916, Warspite, and the rest of the 5th Battle Squadron, were temporarily transferred to David Beatty's Battlecruiser Force. On 31 May, Warspite took part in her first, and largest, engagement in her career, the Battle of Jutland. Warspite received fifteen hits from main armament guns of the German capital ships, which resulted in considerable damage, so that she came close to foundering. Her steering jammed after she had attempted to avoid collision with her sister-ship Valiant. Her captain decided to stay on course, in effect going round in circles, rather than stop and reverse, a decision that would have made Warspite a sitting duck. These manoevres saved Warrior, for the Germans switched their attention from the badly damaged cruiser to the more tempting target of a battleship in difficulty. This gained her the eternal affection of the crew of Warrior, who believed Warspite's actions were intentional. The crew finally regained control of Warspite after two full circles, though the actions undertaken to stop her circling had the negative aspect of potentially taking her straight towards the German High Seas Fleet.The rangefinders and the transmission station were out of order and only "A" turret could fire, but under local control all 12 salvos fell short of their target. Midshipman Herbert Annesley Packer was promoted and mentioned in dispatches for his command of "A" turret. The Warspite was no longer a fighting force and therefore the order was given for Warspite to stop to allow repairs, after which she was underway once more. Warspite would, after the Battle of Jutland, be plagued with steering problems for the rest of her service life.

During the battle, Warspite suffered fourteen killed and sixteen wounded; among the latter was warrant officer Walter Yeo, notable as one of the first men to receive facial reconstruction via plastic surgery[4]. She sailed, despite considerable damage, for home after being ordered to do so by Rear-Admiral Hugh Evan-Thomas, commander of the 5th Battle Squadron. On her journey home, on 1 June, she came under attack from a German U-boat which unsuccessfully fired two torpedoes at her. A second attack occurred soon after, with another torpedo launched but again missing. Only a short while after that incident, Warspite confronted a U-boat directly in front of her; she attempted to ram the U-boat but failed. She safely reached Rosyth, where her damage was repaired.

During the summer of 1940, Warspite was transferred to the Mediterranean theatre and fought in several engagements. During the Battle of Calabria she was credited with achieving the longest range gunnery hit from a moving ship to a moving target in history. This was a hit on the Giulio Cesare at a range of approximately 26,000 yards (see also the Scharnhorst, which scored a hit on the Glorious at approximately the same distance, in June 1940).

From 27 to 29 March, 1941, Warspite took part as the flagship of Admiral Cunningham in the Battle of Cape Matapan, in which three Italian heavy cruisers and two destroyers were sunk in a night action

On 21 April, 1941, still under Cunningham's command, Warspite along with battleships Barham and Valiant, as well as the cruiser Gloucester and various destroyers, attacked Tripoli harbour.

Warspite also took part in the naval portion of the Battle of Crete, where she was badly damaged by German bombers.

Warspite's sister ships were all sunk or heavily damaged during their time in the Mediterranean. HMS Barham was torpedoed and sunk by a submarine, and Valiant and Queen Elizabeth both spent time resting on the bottom of Alexandria harbour after their hulls were holed in an attack by Italian frogmen. Warspite stayed afloat but was damaged several times. On 6 June 1944, Warspite took part in the Normandy Landings as part of the Eastern Task Force, firing on German positions to cover the landing at Sword Beach. She subsequently supported the Americans on their beaches. "X" turret, badly damaged by the FX 1400 attack, remained inoperative. She also helped support Gold Beach a few days later. Her guns worn out and she was soon sent to Rosyth to be regunned. On the way, she set off a magnetic mine, causing heavy damage, but made it to Rosyth safely. She received only partial repairs, enough to get her back into action for bombardment duties.

After repairs, she bombarded Brest, Le Havre and Walcheren, the latter of which was an assault on that island which began on 1 November, with Warspite providing support for the troops, in what was to be the last time she fired her guns. Largely inactive since Walcheren, Warspite was placed in Category C Reserve on 1 February 1945. Following the end of the war, there were pleas to retain Warspite as a museum ship like Lord Nelson's HMS Victory, but they were ignored and the ship was sold for scrap in 1947.

On the way to her scrapyard, after already experiencing trouble on the journey to the breakers due to a storm, she broke free of her anchor, subsequently running hard aground in Prussia Cove and she was towed to St. Michael's Mount, where the ship had to be scrapped in situ over the next few years.


As a result of a continuing dispute with a lesbetronic uber harpy there shall be an embargo of the normal hot girls in various states of undress which has seen this blog attract readers literally by the tens.

* update

Embargo lifted after tense negotiation over an Irn Bru run. !

You Madam are some Bad Candy

On Religon

Fuck all religions, convincing people that they are dirty and in need of saving to make money off them.
Your "GODS" can go fuck themselves !

Every insult against religion is well deserved for all the people they have killed and still kill what we say isn't enough, so don't you fucking say i'm too harsh, because they deserve this and more.

Monday, 26 October 2009

I am all right — I am a little sore. Anybody has a right to be sore with a bullet in him. You would find that if I was in battle now I would be leading my men just the same. Just the same way I am going to make this speech.

Address at Milwaukee, Wisconsin (1912-10-14, delivered just after an assassination attempt upon him by John Schrank. Roosevelt credited the thickness of his prepared speech, which was shot through, as having prevented the bullet from entering his heart.

Friday, 23 October 2009

Breasts are Awesome (Halloween Edition)

Facebook abuse (hat tip Dracz)

Granted I may be guilty of this

The MMF or Monumental Mind Fuck, a weapon used by women and how it was invented

You poor poor fool, clearly being a 3rd world refugee and flocking to the anglo saxon light of civilization has taught you nothing. Fortunately for me I grew up in Glasgow, granted on the streets as part of a pack of feral dogs/ hairy youths, but had the benefit of random preachers, philosophers, demagogues and scientists preaching their knowledge and ideas upon a soap box in george square. It was here that I first came to realise the awful truth and to refine my tactics in the war of the sexes.

A woman you see is small, weak and vulnerable to many things, not least of which is the mammoth, a ferocious burrowing creature which uses it’s great horns to tunnel under the ground before deploying it’s slimy tentacle in a vesuvial eruption from the earth to snatch and devour said feme.

A man is the natural enemy of the mammoth, there is after all good eating on a mammoth and the fur makes for a cool cape. A man may spring at the mammoth seize it’s terrible horns and deliver thunderous head butt after thunderous head butt until the vile creature is slain.

The problem for the lady is how does she harness the ferocity of a gent to keep her safe from the mammoth and indeed the sundry other creatures which may do her harm? She cannot resort to physical oppression as she is weak and feeble. She can try to be alluring but she risks being used and discarded and in such a situation would be tired and even more easily fall prey to predators.

No, what women have developed is the MMF (Monumental Mind Fcuk) where they beguile a gent not by recourse to swaying hips and heaving bosoms (which are merely there to catch the eye) but by deploying invisible mind claws to sink into his brain and enslave him. Initally this would result in a large angry man being on call to attack any predatory creatures such as the afore mentioned mammoth being the main aggressor.

The modern effects are easily seen in an otherwise sane man believing the drivel that spouts from a lady’s mouth, carrying heavy things sometimes without his knowledge, constructing improbably pieces of furniture and indeed handing out the credit card and his hard earned wonga because a bit of hoovering equates to a 12 hour shift down a mine.

Perhaps you have already twigged where I am going with this but I shall lay it out anyway. The problem is that women have gone too far and have so domesticated the majority of men that they are practically women themselves. In the 1950s spontaneous ovary growth in men was at 0.0023% of the population. Today it is at a horrifying 12% and follows an upsurge in mammoth activity to the tune of 45,000 women (and feminine men) being devoured in the last year.

As I previously mentioned I was alerted to this phenomenon at an early age and following much meditation, hitting myself in the head with a hammer and a diet of raw meant, often that of tourists brought down by my fellow feral weegie youths I was able to kill off that part of my brain which the MMF targets. The happy result being that when confronted by even the most alluring of sirens I do not fall victim to their tricks and instead remain able to revert to my own natural comparative advantage which like any proper man is to simply physically out gun a lady and stuff her in a sack while her invisible mind claws thrash helplessly at my dented skull.

I urge you (and indeed anyone who would be a man) to take up a hammer post haste, hit yourself in the head and free yourself from these harpies!

Thursday, 22 October 2009

You Madam are some Bad Candy

More appeasing and compromising withMiddle Eastern Dictators (a tactic that worked so well in the 30s)

To develop physical courage, you must also learn to discipline and train your mind

'You can prepare yourself as much as possible for such circumstances where you are in desperation, but when push comes to shove most people’s minds will break before their body does. The mind plays a much larger role in the physicality of survival than aesthetic quality of the body or numeric prowess of weight.'

Wednesday, 21 October 2009

The Price is Right, with Tits

Some enterprising, saintly, sod has brilliantly spliced together 2 minutes and 37 seconds of the best bouncing boobs from shite TV gameshow, The Price is Right. Enjoy.

Whisky, Whisky, Whisky!

Whisky or Whiskey

A Scotsman who spells
Whisky with a n ‘e’,
should be hand cuffed
and thrown head first in the Dee,

In the USA and Ireland,
it’s spelt with an ‘e’
but in Scotland
it’s real ‘Whisky’.

So if you see Whisky
and it has an ‘e’,
only take it,
if you get it for free!

For the name is not the same
and it never will be,
a dram is only a real dram,
from a bottle of ‘Scotch Whisky’.

Tuesday, 20 October 2009

From the Lady Sack (Patent Pending)

You'd think the Draconian liable laws in England (I am Scottish but live in accursed England) would deter this sort of thing


Posted - 14 October 2009 16:59

His left leg is circa 3 inches longer than his right.


Posted - 14 October 2009 17:00 Report as offensive

circa is a measurement of time surely?

Mr Coffee hes so frothy

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:01 Report as offensive

several african refugee families reside in his enormous flab-folds.


Posted - 14 October 2009 17:01 Report as offensive

He owns a flock of miniature ducks which he feeds oven chips

Windowshade Curlymint

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:02 Report as offensive

He has the brain the size of a small fish and the sensitivity of a donkey.

Oh no wait, that's true..

Still adore him though for my sins


Posted - 14 October 2009 17:03 Report as offensive

if you ton this up I will post it up on my blog


Posted - 14 October 2009 17:03 Report as offensive

he plucks his own bikini line with a pair of rusty tweezers


Posted - 14 October 2009 17:03 Report as offensive

His favourite thing in the world is a runny egg and sausage sandwich made with fresh white bread.


Posted - 14 October 2009 17:05 Report as offensive

He once climbed halfway up Ben Nevis but then had to be air lifted down after receiving a nasty adder bite.

Not Too Fussy

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:05 Report as offensive

he likes spending his sunny afternoons daisy chaining

Suburban Samurai

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:06 Report as offensive

He won a first at Glasgow, has squandered three fortunes, made love to a thousand women, imbibed strange drugs, sold his soul for Rock'n'Roll, almost pipped Krugman for the Nobel Prize and is barred from every Chinese noodle parlour in South Manchester.

Not Too Fussy

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:06 Report as offensive

he knits all his own sweaters


Posted - 14 October 2009 17:07 Report as offensive

and pickles his own onions


Posted - 14 October 2009 17:08 Report as offensive

He once challenged the Bass player from White Snake to an arm wrestle. The challenge was turned down.


Posted - 14 October 2009 17:08 Report as offensive

Some say he casts no shadow when in Salford

Some say he his knees pcik up jazz FM

all we know is, he's called the Sumo


Posted - 14 October 2009 17:09 Report as offensive

In his spare time he surfs the internet looking for pictures of middle-aged women with sunburn.

Not Too Fussy

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:11 Report as offensive

it was Mrs Sumo that caught him in a sack and kept him in her basement - she has since taught him everything he knows

Nick Lowe

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:11 Report as offensive

He admires and respects the RoF poster known as Nick Lowe and wishes he was from Edinburgh too.

I'm pretty sure the 'He' bit of that sentence is true.

Bungle Fever

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:12 Report as offensive

Rumours circulating in Motherwell as recently as yesterday suggest that his sweat has the identical chemical composition to Irn Bru.


Posted - 14 October 2009 17:15 Report as offensive

his lips are devil red

and his skin's the colour of mocha


Posted - 14 October 2009 17:16 Report as offensive

Sumo lessr known persuits include cake decoration, hello kitty memorabila collection and sack quilting.


Posted - 14 October 2009 17:18 Report as offensive

He likes Jeff Stryker prison movies

Bungle Fever

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:18 Report as offensive

When he drinks blended whisky he pees cask-strength single malt.

Suburban Samurai

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:19 Report as offensive

He credited with modernising the city of Edinburgh in 2003 by introducing the backwards yokels to electricity

he is worshipped as a god by the cargo cult that sprang up following this mighty deed and to which 98.6%* of the population of Edinburgh adhere

(*note the remaining 1.4% of the population are gents from holy Glasgow whose girlfriends made them move)


Posted - 14 October 2009 17:22 Report as offensive

he used an axe to hack off his hand at the wrist, then sewed it back on just because he was bored and wanted to pass some time.

Mark Corrigan

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:27 Report as offensive

As has been revealed on a previous occasion, "he" is actually a 14-year-old public schoolgirl called Arabella who is distantly related to the Duchess of Kent.

Miss Happy

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:59 Report as offensive

He often dresses up in womens clothes and performs as a drag queen.


Posted - 14 October 2009 18:03 Report as offensive

He is sixteenth in line to the the throne of Albania.


Posted - 14 October 2009 18:04 Report as offensive

He owns Jimmy Saville's original chair from 'Jim'll Fix It,' which he has had converted to dispense large brandies as well as cigars and cups of tea.


Posted - 14 October 2009 18:07 Report as offensive

(the inside of the chair features a small prison for petite girls)


Posted - 14 October 2009 18:09 Report as offensive

He is allergic to Latex.

Miss Happy

Posted - 14 October 2009 18:16 Report as offensive

I like that one Betty.


Posted - 14 October 2009 18:17 Report as offensive

His life story inspired the character of Andy Defrain in the Shawshank Redemption, he posts from Zihuatanejo.


Posted - 14 October 2009 18:18 Report as offensive

He has been chosen as the model for the reconstruction of the Buddhas of Bamiyan.


Posted - 14 October 2009 18:24 Report as offensive

I do like the sound of that chair


Posted - 14 October 2009 18:25 Report as offensive

He has both male and female sex organs. As well as a set which Doctors are yet to identify.


Posted - 14 October 2009 18:41 Report as offensive

His favourite is a Dairylea Triangle.


Posted - 14 October 2009 18:43 Report as offensive

he has a trick pelvis and no gag reflex


Posted - 14 October 2009 18:45 Report as offensive

He lost three of his fingers in a bear fight in kazakhstan. The fingers have been replaced by Cadbury's chocolate fingers


Posted - 14 October 2009 18:56 Report as offensive

he blows goats

Nut Butter

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:00 Report as offensive

He was named for Sue Moffit, internationally acclaimed painter of animals, principally known for her characterful portrait paintings of cows.

curious girl

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:26 Report as offensive

he keeps a colony of snails in his sock drawer.

Miss Mayhem

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:27 Report as offensive

Sumo looks good in a skirt.

Miss Mayhem

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:28 Report as offensive

Oh. You said make stuff up...

Sorry, misunderstood the brief.

Nevermind me.


Posted - 14 October 2009 19:29 Report as offensive

He is leading a consortium of former South East Asian dictators to buy Newcastle United


Posted - 14 October 2009 19:30 Report as offensive

He once loaned a knitting pattern to my Grandma, attempted to charge 300% apr, sent the boys around...messy...grrr.

Roast Beef

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:37 Report as offensive

He once spent a year in silence, so as to better appreciate the sound of a whisper.


Posted - 14 October 2009 19:39 Report as offensive

He was present at Crecy and Poitiers, but had a cold and missed Agincourt.


Posted - 14 October 2009 19:40 Report as offensive

He's from Lancashire and wishes he was from Yorkshire like all the cool kids.


Posted - 14 October 2009 19:45 Report as offensive

he likes spending his sunny afternoons chaining Daisy from accounts to his four poster and showing her some double entry book-keeping..


Posted - 14 October 2009 19:49 Report as offensive

He once punched Leona Lewis in the side of the head at a book signing


Posted - 14 October 2009 19:50 Report as offensive

He had a threesome with Stephen Gately and a Bulgarian


Posted - 14 October 2009 19:56 Report as offensive

Ah, correction. Just remembered. He's Scottish isn't he.

Doesn't change things.


Posted - 14 October 2009 19:57 Report as offensive

Oh, I forget to mention that he wee's sherbert.

Suburban Samurai

Posted - 14 October 2009 20:18 Report as offensive

He has penned more than eight million words. His autohagiography, The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived, chronicles the life of an individual who shuns the everyday, scorns the laws of ordinary men, laughs in the face of convention, reinvented the ocarina and hates Leona Lewis


Posted - 14 October 2009 21:39 Report as offensive

Sumo was both the long term and short term cause of World War 1


Posted - 15 October 2009 08:37 Report as offensive

From the age of 2 he was raised by wolves in the forests of Romania.


Posted - 15 October 2009 09:00 Report as offensive

he is a world expert on English country dancing and regularly competes in bouts of full-contact morris dancing

Bungle Fever

Posted - 15 October 2009 09:41 Report as offensive

In 1996, he spent 3 months constructing a scale model of the Erskine Bridge inside an empty Auchentoshan bottle. He spent the next three months planning to build an Auchentoshan whisky bottle in which he would enclose the actual Erskine Bridge, but his Icelandic backers pulled out in a disagreement over sponsorship arrangements.


Posted - 15 October 2009 09:44 Report as offensive

In 1973 he invented Soda Stream


Posted - 15 October 2009 09:53 Report as offensive

His favourite drink is dandelion and burdock, Soda Stream stylee.


Posted - 15 October 2009 09:54 Report as offensive

Spooky, Wellington, hadn't see your post!


Posted - 15 October 2009 10:03 Report as offensive

Great minds, Cosmic, great minds

Speaking of which Sumo won 8 nobel peace prizes but they were taken away from him after his brief flirtation with Nazism during the 1930s.


Posted - 15 October 2009 10:06 Report as offensive

Sumo is a London Irish fan but secretly wishes Digger the Irish Wolfhound would replace Big Bob Casey in the second row.


Posted - 15 October 2009 10:12 Report as offensive

Sumo was part of the Uruguay team which won the first ever World Cup.

The Bean

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:13 Report as offensive

Sumo collects certified copy stamps from every firm he has worked for.

Mr Orange

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:16 Report as offensive

When appearing at court, Sumo sometimes likes to wrongfoot the other side by rolling up on one of these:


Posted - 15 October 2009 10:21 Report as offensive

you fcuker orange


Posted - 15 October 2009 10:23 Report as offensive

Sumo has been a nomination for Prime Minsiter in the last 5 general elections. Unfortunately he's a lib dem.

Bungle Fever

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:26 Report as offensive

Sumo invented the deep-fried pizza.


Posted - 15 October 2009 10:35 Report as offensive

Sumo provided the voices for all of the characters on The Racoons.

Except Cyril Sneer.


Posted - 15 October 2009 10:37 Report as offensive

That Racoons one would be so cool if it were true.


Posted - 15 October 2009 10:38 Report as offensive

He lost all his hair at Chernobyl. He now wears a wig made primarily from knitted sheeps testicles.


Posted - 15 October 2009 10:39 Report as offensive

Mr Orange wins.


Posted - 15 October 2009 10:41 Report as offensive

Sumo devised the the set of the Aztec Zone in the Crystal Maze. He also dressed up as 'Mumsie' on the few occasions that Sandra Caron was late for filming.

Bungle Fever

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:44 Report as offensive

He was Sean Connery's stunt double in both Rising Sun and Dr No.

Bungle Fever

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:59 Report as offensive

Sumo never touches a computer. He "employs" several "assistants" ("kidnapped" and "love-slaves" may be more accurate) to type as he dictates. He has one for each of his online activities: RoF, blog etc.


Posted - 15 October 2009 11:00 Report as offensive

No one knows who Sumo's father really his. Prime contenders are Alexander the Great, Rasputin and Clive (his mums one eyed window cleaner.)


Posted - 15 October 2009 11:33 Report as offensive

I hate the racoons


Posted - 15 October 2009 11:35 Report as offensive



Posted - 15 October 2009 11:39 Report as offensive

no explosions it was pish

the whole point of cartoons is to do stuff you can't do in real life and a host of characters living in harmony in a wood is just a sort of TV prep school for convincing children they should settle for soap opera tripe


Posted - 15 October 2009 11:41 Report as offensive

He really wanted to call himself MusoKing but his fingers are so fat he can't type properly...or play the guitar


Posted - 15 October 2009 11:46 Report as offensive

The reason he doesn't like the Racoons is because he was buggered senseless by a gang of randy male racoons whilst on a School trip.


Posted - 15 October 2009 11:53 Report as offensive

Sumo had a walk-on role as an extra in B-Grade film Attack of the Killer Tomatoes - as one of the tomatoes

Bad Fingers

Posted - 15 October 2009 12:06 Report as offensive

he is actually a young woman called Judith who lives in the New Forest with her parents where she enjoys cycling, playing with her dogs and setting fire to cars and cats


Posted - 15 October 2009 17:24 Report as offensive

can't believe this didn't tun


Posted - 15 October 2009 17:26 Report as offensive

he likes a nice rimming chair

Cruella De Evil

Posted - 15 October 2009 17:38 Report as offensive

He is distantly related to the Wombles.


Posted - 15 October 2009 17:41 Report as offensive

He eally wanted the username Smoking Gnu, but had to go for a near anagram when that name was not available.

The Bean

Posted - 15 October 2009 17:42 Report as offensive

In his spare time, Sumo whittles baseball bats from oak.

Cruella De Evil

Posted - 15 October 2009 17:56 Report as offensive

He is so sexually potent that he fathered a band of little Sumo Kings, simply by looking winsomely at or in the general direction of 124 women of child bearing age.

The Bean

Posted - 15 October 2009 20:22 Report as offensive

Sumo knits baby blankets for orphaned children.


Posted - 15 October 2009 20:25 Report as offensive

Sumo was originially due to appear in Friends instead of David Schwimmer but during the filming of the pilot show he managed to sleep with both Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox. He was asked to leave the studio immediately


Posted - 15 October 2009 20:27 Report as offensive

Michel Le Roux's mad eyes are the result of him once staring directly into Sumo's eyes. If a normal person did this, their head would explode.


Posted - 16 October 2009 07:13 Report as offensive

He hums.


Hmm hmm hmmm...


Posted - 16 October 2009 07:31 Report as offensive

Sumo is responsible for the disappearing garden gnome phenomenon by planting moles in every garden.


Posted - 16 October 2009 07:35 Report as offensive

Sumo is in fact related to Paul Calf (the Steve Coogan character) and Asbo Joe and likes to spend his free time picking fights with pretentious goateed students in his local boozer.

(When he is not occupied with catching women in his sack)

His favourite other hobbies include smoking tabs, lager, and arguing about football. And having a good punch-up outside the kebab shop.


Posted - 16 October 2009 08:38 Report as offensive

Sumo sleeps standing up in a darlek


Posted - 16 October 2009 08:50 Report as offensive

Sumo has a 3ft long lizard tail which requires him to have his suits tailored by Kilgour. If you catch him by his tail it falls off, enabling his rapid escape. His lizard tail has been known to be mislaid during sack-related activity.


Posted - 16 October 2009 08:52 Report as offensive

Sumo once blacked himself up. This resulted in him being elected as President of the US.


Posted - 16 October 2009 08:53 Report as offensive

Sumo has auditioned every year for the X-Factor since it started. He has never made it past boot camp.


Posted - 16 October 2009 09:03 Report as offensive

*splutters with laughter @ Wellington!* heh! comedy gold.


Posted - 16 October 2009 09:03 Report as offensive

(at the blacking himself up gag)

The Bean

Posted - 16 October 2009 10:06 Report as offensive

Ditto. Another overt chuckle on the train due to that.

Bungle Fever

Posted - 16 October 2009 10:13 Report as offensive

Sumo once ate a baby - the other other white meat.


Posted - 17 October 2009 10:40 Report as offensive

Sumo used to be the drummer for Slipknot but the band decided he was too depraved and scary.


Posted - 17 October 2009 10:50 Report as offensive

Now he writes all of Rammstein's choons instead.


Posted - 17 October 2009 10:57 Report as offensive

...while moonlighting as bass player for the Insane Clown Posse


Posted - 17 October 2009 11:17 Report as offensive

heh @ Monkey! Trying to think of more.