Wednesday, 30 December 2009
Tuesday, 29 December 2009
From the Excellent Day Today;
MORRIS: The Bank of England is in chaos after the discovery that the pound has been stolen. As the news broke, trading rooms were plunged into chaos, even seasoned campaigners known for grace under pressure being reduced to squawking the day's panicked cry, "What's happening?"
TRADER: What's happening?
MORRIS: The pound was stolen at 1.30 this afternoon by thieves dressed as cleaners. They drove a white Montego - helicopter police gave chase [footage of a speeding Montego crashing into another car] but despite the shunt the men escaped, making good with their legs across open ground. [A freeze frame shows two sets of animated footprints hurrying away from the crash] As City markets crashed and flew off, the government tried to stabilise the economy with an emergency currency based on the Queen's eggs, several thousand of which were removed from her ovaries in 1953 and held in reserve. This meant anyone mad enough to seize on the panic selling of dead pounds could become a dollar millionaire in less than an hour.
CREEPY-VOICED INTERVIEWER: How much money have you personally made today?
TRADER: About ten million.
CREEPY-VOICED INTERVIEWER: Wow.MORRIS: Throughout the day, bank officials have refused to confirm the rumours that the pound was only vulnerable at all because they removed it to play with at lunchtime and forgot to put it back. Later tonight we'll be asking Malcolm Rifkind for his view, and asking him why he likes pulling the legs off live dogs and shooting foreign policemen.
Monday, 28 December 2009
I wonder if maybe Haringey Council should be taken into care, or better yet dragged out and shot behind the bins
Saturday, 26 December 2009
Thursday, 24 December 2009
it is only by sacrificing everything to the senses' pleasure that this individual, who never asked to be cast into this universe of woe, that this poor creature who goes under the name of Man, may be able to sow a smattering of roses atop the thorny path of life.
Marquis de Sade
Wednesday, 23 December 2009
Best way out of a recession is to make people dumber says scum licking evil prick extraordinare Mandy
Mike: Wanna go back into your party?
Tim: But they were playing 'The Time Warp'! I hate 'The Time Warp'!
Mike: Daisy likes it.
Tim: I don't care! I hate it! It's boil-in-the-bag perversion for sexually repressed accountants and first-year drama students with too many posters of Betty Blue, The Blues Brothers, Big Blue and Blue Velvet on their blue bloody walls!
Sunday, 20 December 2009
DLA Piper has announced yet another round of job cuts, with nine per cent of its Middle East staff set for the chop
Friday, 18 December 2009
Wednesday, 16 December 2009
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
Monday, 14 December 2009
Sunday, 13 December 2009
Saturday, 12 December 2009
Friday, 11 December 2009
Thursday, 10 December 2009
Wednesday, 9 December 2009
Tuesday, 8 December 2009
Download music and have your Internet cut off - not by court order just because Sony or EMI suspect you EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE THIEVING CUNTS
Except, Warner, Sony BMG, EMI and Universal who have been cosying up to HMG to get a special short circuit the channels of justice open to the average person in the street have been ripping off the music and artists who they are apparently so desperate to protect.
The labels have made a habit of using songs from a wide variety of artists for compilation CDs without securing the rights. They simply use the recording and make note of it on “pending list” so they can deal with it later. This has been going on since the 1980s and since then the list of unpaid tracks (or copyright infringements) has grown to 300,000.
300,000?!You'd have to be a particularly dedicated student or single mother to knock them off. Apparently a group in
How and why this blatant copyright infringement could go on for years is a mystery, but the labels’ double standard has been picked up by the plaintiffs as well. “The conduct of the defendant record companies is aggravated by their strict and unremitting approach to the enforcement of their copyright interests against consumers,” the artists argue in their claim for damages.
The suit is still ongoing but already the labels have admitted to owing at least $50 million for infringing the rights of artists, and this figure could grow as high as 6 billion. So who are the real pirates here?
This is exactly why small governments are desirable. Not so some fat fuck doesn't have to pay any tax on his unearned great grandfathers smart property investments. So you don't end up with a quasi facist alliance of Government and Business. Don't get me wrong business is good, it creates wealth and the people who stick their necks out to create that wealth should get to keep it. But they damn sure should not get a different set of rules to play by or taxpayer propping just because some fat cunt wonk is looking for a cushy board room job post the election.
Monday, 7 December 2009
Friday, 4 December 2009
Thursday, 3 December 2009
Feminism Destroys Families!, ooh the poor families, we all have to get on our fucking knees and spread our cheeks for the brood mothers!
Wednesday, 2 December 2009
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
Really Early Origin
The very first Canadians, or Native Canadians, came to
Canadians, or Canadianus beerbellius, are the descendants of castaways of two pasty European nations,
Back in the day,
A new solution had to be found. Great minds in both countries sat and pondered, eventually coming up with the brilliant ideas of more war and bigger war. These were tested on a small scale but proved unsatisfying, unsuccessful and unsomethingelse.
War, unfortunately, had two crippling disadvantages; dead people from war, and protests from the people who would end up as dead people in the next war.
A new new solution had to be found. Lesser minds from both countries sat and pondered, trying to figure out how to solve the dilemma. After many hours of boozing and whoring, they hit upon the solution; send the unhappy people away. This would minimize their annoying whining "on the home front" and if war came, as it inevitably would, the dead would not be around to stink up the place. They would instead stink up some other place. Preferably some place far away...and what place was farther away than
At that time, the region was populated primarily by natives of
...at the time, neither side suspected the hilarity that would ensue...
Later Early Origin
The occupants of the British part of
Meanwhile, the original natives of
The British Canadians, or "White Trash", and the French Canadians, or "Quoi du Beurre", of course, eventually resorted to war. Soldiers die easy; old habits, however, die hard.
The victory of British forces at the
The victory of British forces at the
A Concise History of the War Between the Canadians of Upper and
Ebony and Ivory
After the British (in Canada) defeated the French (also in Canada) at the Plains of Abraham they (the British, still in Canada) planned, plotted and connived to ensure that the remaining French citizens would never be unhappy again. In this, they were absolutely and totally successful.
Origin of the Modern Canadian
This means that the average Canadian has a profound dislike for war, especially any war that occurred after
After taking part in couple of world wars, known as World War I and World War II, however, Canadians are surprisingly good at blowing shit up. Especially
During the 1960s, the demographic of the average Canadian changed considerably. Before that time Canada almost exclusively imported white people, eventually buying people from as far east as eastern Europe when the UK and France ran out of people that they didn't need, and all of those were white, though less so than those from Canada's mother countries. In desperation the Canadian government changed from importing mostly from
This lead to the fact that a modern Canadian may occasionally have yellow, swarthy or brown skin, possibly topped off with a jaunty turban! Some Canadians aren't even (gasp!) Christians and about 1/6th have no religion at all.
Strangely, they seem to get along, for some unknown reason.
The Unknown Reason Why Canadians Get Along, Known!
And for sex.
However, that is beyond the scope of this article.
Luckily, by focusing only on the worst stereotypes of America, via American films, television programs, and anecdotal stories about American tourists, Canadians have set the bar rather low for what it takes to be better than Americans.
Even more luckily, Americans have lowered the bar even further by consistently living down to the stereotype. Recently, for reasons unknown even to them, they've tilted the lowered bar to the right. See Pat Robertson, George W. Bush, Ann Coulter, Pat Buchanan, et al, for excellent examples of this phenomenon.
Canadians and their future in
The most important thing about Canadians, indeed, the single and only thing about them that matters at all whatsoever, is that at this very moment, while you're sitting there reading this very sentence here before you right now, is that also at this very same moment in time Canadians, from their secret base, Canada, are plotting to steal your girlfriend, if you have one, and if you don't that's really not a bad reflection on you because you are a fine, upstanding gentleman with good teeth and a winning personality or, if you're a girl, then they plan to steal your man or, if you're gay or bisexual then they will, at some as yet undefined point in the future, steal the one, or ones, that you love, and while doing so will also raid your refrigerator, divesting it of those especially plump and juicy strawberries that you picked up, as well as your last beer too, even if it's that Dutch brand in the green bottle that, notoriously, some people think is German, or perhaps they will just use this page and pages much like this one, but specifically this one and not any other ones, to export illegally long sentences by simply and sneakily tricking you into reading them.