Saturday, 30 January 2010
Wednesday, 27 January 2010
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
Monday, 25 January 2010
Daisy: Right, I'm going to the shops. D'you want anything?
Daisy: Tim, I'm not going to buy you porn. You can get it from railway sidings like everybody else.
Tim: I can't, I'm an adult. I'm supposed to leave it there.
Thursday, 21 January 2010
Glasgow turned into downtown LA without the hot weather or the 'low fat chicks' according to one resident as ‘Gerbil’ is shot dead outside of Asda Robroystion.
The incident where Kevin "Gerbil" Carroll was shot was something that he had survived before, but had unfortunately failed to survive another gun attack again after being shot directly by a non-inebriated Glasgow criminal hitman. The police have been making enquires on how the Glasgow gangster was shot after buying a pint of milk, Daily Record and smart price scotch egg. The tragedy here the police say is not just that a man died, nor was it somebody’s son, but the fact the ‘poor bastard just goat hissel a bag fur life’.
Police have made perimeter around the store with rumours abounding as to whether he was gunned down for his animal rights credentials being called Gerbil. Latititia Fannyslack commented that “sometimes being a lover of animals can inflame the wrong people, just watch Guerrillas in the Mist”
This and other even more tenuous leads are being followed by the police, who have reportedly fled after the Ned quotient in the area swelled as have the amount of Gangster Rap records at the store itself.
Wednesday, 20 January 2010
Tuesday, 19 January 2010
Monday, 18 January 2010
Sunday, 17 January 2010
Most men have a dormant sexual attraction to most females that they come into contact with. Men that do not have this attraction are gay. When a man comes into contact with the sister of a friend, the attraction comes to the fore and takes over his mind. If a man does not feel this it us because his friend's sister is not hot enough. Many men have tried to have some uninterrupted time with the girl (or girls) in question but most have failed. Don't let that happen to you. What you need to know is How To Fuck your Friend's Sister(s) And Get Away With It. Okay, let's get right down to it. Please be careful as to not miss read this article and believe it says, "HowTo Fuck Your Sister(s) And Get Away With It", because doing that is already easy enough and the last thing you would want is Uncyclopedia making it more difficult for you. Which reminds me, my cousin is hot and we haven't spoken in a while...
Step 1: Discovering the Sister
If you know your friend has a sister, skip this step. If you don't have any friends, get some and then follow these instructions.
Right then... Well, the most obvious way of finding out if your friend has a sister is to ask:
"You got a sister or what?"
Don't do this. It's way too obvious. What you should do is to ask:
"You got any siblings?"
This way, you don't sound gay or perverted (If you're interested, this also works if you want their brother). When you ask this, you should not look as lust-fuelled as I know you might will be. You should look curious and interested. If they say:
you should to ask how many and what gender. This shouldn't sound suspicious, especially if you start the conversation when both of you are really bored and feel like talking.
If they say:
you have to end the conversation smoothly, find another friend and do everything again.
If your friend says that they've only got brothers, you should ask their ages and names. It would sound suspicious if you ended the conversation after they said they had brothers. When you finish the conversation, find another friend and repeat this step until you discover a sister. When you do, smile sweetly and say:
"What's her name?"
Your friend would then tell you. Then you say:
"That's a nice name. How old is she?"
Your friend will tell you. Now, if her age seems satisfactory, you can continue to the next step. If she is too young or old or has a weird name that you don't like, find another friend and try again. If your friend is a guy and his sister(s) is/are younger than him you have to be very careful when you proceed with the next steps. If you find more than one sister and succeed in discovering their names and ages, you're a lucky bastard.
Step 2: Finding out if She's Hot
So, you know your friend has a sister, but does she fulfill your high expectations? You must find out...
You have to engineer a way of seeing your friend's sister without arousing suspicion. A good way to do this is to get really close to your friend, close enough that you can start going over to their place without being having the door slammed in your face. You should then go to their place as many times as you have to in order to stare at see your potential sex slave "fuck-buddy".
If your friend's sister doesn't live with them, you have to find some way of discreetly discovering her location. If she's in another country and you're broke, too bad, start again with another friend. If you can find her, great! Carry on!
If you can't find her or you don't like the way that she looks, (groan) start all over again with another friend.
If you think she's hotter than Megan Fox on the sun, continue to the next step.
If there's more than one of them and only one of them is hot enough, you can decide what to do with the unworthy one. If they're both hot, you're an impossibly lucky son of a bitch.
Step 3: Laying the Foundations...
Before you get intimate with your friend's sister, you must make her like you. (Unless you don't give a fuck. If this is the case, skip this step and follow the part of Step 4 that is intended for people planning to rape their target and disappear).
Continue your regular visits to your friend's house. Start to talk to her, make her like and trust you. If there's two of them, peform this step on both of them. It's probably best if you do this when your friend, their parents, and any other unwanted relatives are not around Try and sound drunk and perverted sweet and inviting. If you're retarded shy, girls can think it's cute, but this is risky, because you might look like a whimp to a clever girl (one who isn't a blonde).
Keep trying until she likes you. (If she's blonde, you just need to tell her to like you, it always works.) Once she likes you and trusts you, you have to get closer...
Use a few pick-up lines, compliment her, stare at her, basically, make her feel good.
Don't go too far. Stop when she starts staring at you. If you stop just short of sexual harassment abuse arousal, you can trick her into thinking that you like her as a person, when, really you just want to force your cock in the soft, tender hole that God had created for you.
Step 4: Let the Fun Begin...
(i)If You're NOT Going to Rape Her:
Once she starts staring at your cock, you're ready. if you've got more than one with you and they all stare at your cock, you're so fucking lucky! I hate you! Do the following to all of them at the same time.
Make sure the parents are not around. If your friend is male, get him out of the way too. If they have any other family there get rid of them. But if your friend is a hot girl why did you go for her sister when it would be so simple to go for her?! If she is hot, keep her around.
Look a her,catch her eye, look at your cock, and then look back at her. If she nods or smiles or does something else that blatantly says: "Fuck me now!", guide her to her bedroom and get her on the bed. Rip her clothes off while looking her in the eye. This will maintain the illusion that you like her and not her near-perfect, luscious body. If you do actually like her, you don't have to act.
Once she's completely naked, get your cock out and tell her to suck it. If you've got more than one girl, you can decide what to do with them. From then on, do what you like, condoms are optional.
If you kept your friend around because she's a hot girl, make as much noise as you can while banging her sister(s). She should come to find out what it is. When she does, get her involved. This should keep her quiet and you'll get more satisfaction. Just in case her family come back, barricade the door until you're done.
(ii)If You ARE Going to Rape Her:
You deserve to be anally abused 'till you die!
Step 5: Afterwards
(i)If You Raped Her:
(i)If You Raped Her:
If you want to keep her, knock her out again, put her in a bag and get out quickly. If your friend's a hot girl, and you want her too, come back for her later. Do the same if you want her other sisters too.
When you leave, you have to go somewhere far away and hide.
When and if you choose to come back for another of the girls, do it quick then go back to wherever you're hiding. Don't feel guilty, they love it really
(ii)If You Had Some Nice Honest Sex With Her/Them:
If you wish to have a relationship with her or her sisters or your friend or all of them, do so. If you want to keep her/them for your own perverted reasons and physical needs you can do that too. If you don't want to, either tell them and go or just disappear.
If you managed all these steps and did not get arrested, killed, bitten, shot at, or harmed in any other way, you've learnt how to Fuck Your Friend's Sister(s) And Get Away With It!
Saturday, 16 January 2010
Friday, 15 January 2010
Thursday, 14 January 2010
Some had been idiots as mad as Swing, with a view of the world just as rigid and unreal, who were on the side of what they called 'the people'. Vimes had spent his life on the streets, and had met decent men and fools and people who'd steal a penny from a blind beggar and people who performed silent miracles or desperate crimes every day behind the grubby windows of little houses, but he'd never met The People.
People on the side of The People always ended up disappointed, in any case. They found that The People tended not to be grateful or appreciative or forward-thinking or obedient. The People tended to be small-minded and conservative and not very clever and were even distrustful of cleverness. And so the children of the revolution were faced with the age-old problem: it wasn't that you had the wrong kind of government, which was obvious, but that you had the wrong kind of people.
As soon as you saw people as things to be measured, they didn't measure up....
Sir Samuel Vimes - Nightwatch by Terry Pratchet
Wednesday, 13 January 2010
Tuesday, 12 January 2010
Any test that turns on what is offensive to the community's standards is too loose, too capricious, too destructive of freedom of expression to be squared with the First Amendment. Under that test, juries can censor, suppress, and punish what they don't like, provided the matter relates to "sexual impurity" or has a tendency "to excite lustful thoughts." This is community censorship in one of its worst forms.
William Orville Douglas
Well, I hang my head in shame.
The BBC is carrying this fucking please vote for us we're a sort of cuddly BNP nonsense here.
The gist is that islam4uk some of the dumbest and most odious nutters ever to bank a dole cheque, who planned a protest march through wooton basset (where dead UK troops are repatriated), will be banned under counter-terrorism laws, by, Home Secretary Alan Johnson.
So I am now in the uncomfortable position of agreeing with mad man in chief anjem choudry who has quite rightly predicted that "What the people will see is if you don't agree with the government and you want to expose their foreign policy, then freedom quickly dissipates and turns into dictatorship"
Yeah, I'm sure this will counter radicalism and is not just a sop to try to convince voters that a vote for labour will bash foreigners.
However, in a shameless display of 'fuck the election the UK will get more of the same under blue labour' Shadow home secretary Chris Grayling has apparently welcomed the decision to ban Islam4UK.
Monday, 11 January 2010
Louis D. Brandeis
Manchester's smallest pub, The Circus Tavern, is up for sale.
The 300 year-old pub has been run by George Archonodo, known as ‘Greek George' by regulars, for the past eight years, but he is due to retire.
Sunday, 10 January 2010
Now me, I honestly didn't think they could make a film better than Crank but fuck me Crank 2 is awesome!
Saturday, 9 January 2010
Friday, 8 January 2010
The eponymous main course of the fast food restaurant, known officially as the "Delicious Melting Pot of Freedom" and colloquially as eponymous to the restaurant, contains many diverse ingredients that are thrown into one pot, melted, smothered in olive oil, and placed between two slightly damp hamburger buns. The resulting fondue is considered by many to be delicious at first, before deteriorating quickly into bitterness. America also serves a lesspopular "America Salad" that uses the same ingredients, but preserves them in their natural state. Most dislike this dish due to its being "too different", upsetting the homeostasis of the body.
Thursday, 7 January 2010
The CPS dropped a prosecution under the extreme porn law last week when it apparently accepted that the soundtrack on a clip of a tiger apparently having sex with a women rendered the video comical rather than pornographic.
According to court reports, neither police nor prosecution listened to the soundtrack before the case reached court and the voice over became an issue.
At that point, prosecutor Elizabeth Bell withdrew the charge, saying that the prosecution had decided to offer no evidence. Questioned by the Judge, John Rogers QC, she claimed that when the case was previously reviewed the film had no soundtrack.
Bad enough before you consider that it is entirely likely that the CPS tactic was to hope for a guilty plea/ deal to be struck so they would all look great jailing a man for thinking outside the accepted permissible parameters which are allowed in the UK these days.
FAOD, CPS and Cops, I hope you all die slowly of chronic fatal cock (or vage) rot!
Wednesday, 6 January 2010
Tuesday, 5 January 2010
Monday, 4 January 2010
Friday, 1 January 2010
LOS ANGELES, California -- Nintendo has upped the ante in the virtual sex game, introducing the Wii FISTING CONTROLLER in time for late Christmas shopping this year. This amazing piece of hardware will retail for a base retail price of $249.99, and is compatible with Nintendo Wii, and PCs or Macs with a USB connection.
Two add-ons are currently available, with two more to be released in time for Easter Break. A ScentModule© ($109.99) generates a range of anal and vaginal odors, running from mild and pleasant to utterly disgusting. The RealFeel© module is actually a bottle of goo which, when poured into the end of the glove, leaks simulated bodily fluids down the users hand and arm, also realistically scented in a range of strengths.
The glove can be set to simulate fisting either a vagina or an anus. The glove structure is filled with pneumatic pressure-applicators and sensors, providing RealFeel© feedback for a genuine feeling of the fisting experience.
The controller also comes with two games; "Rammin' Randy©" and "Fistin' Fanny©". They provide realistic High Definition visual simulations of the act using actual pornographic actors. Nintendo is courting several "queens and kings of porn", hoping to market to a segment which is already saturated with blue films.
"Darla" demonstrates the fit of the Wii Fisting controller, in full fistingregalia.