The word "outcome" is jargon

had to be done or the universe would surely implode

Assembles Council of WAR!

Plots....

The structure of Law Firms

The structure of law firms is simple, the longer you've been there the more stuff you get to fuck up. So a trainee who's been there 12 months can only fuck up the photocopying where as a Partner who has been there 40 years and got the job of hiring partner because nobody else wanted it and he was off the day of the "who will we make hiring partner" vote can fuck up the entire morale of the firm, the perception in the press and the prospect of ever again hiring anyone who doesn't want to be treated like shit if another recession ever again looms.

Take DLA for example, the Lawyer reports that they are onto yet another set of redundancies out in Dubai;

DLA Piper has announced yet another round of job cuts, with nine per cent of its Middle East staff set for the chop

Of course this comes after the spectacular own goal of the alleged minutes of a redundancy meeting being leaked and turning up on Rollonfriday, which I can find but are alluded to still on legal week. Bizarrely Rollonfriday seems to be having a news blackout on the Dubai redundancy program which is rather odd for a site that is essentially supposed to be a legal news website.

And Eversheds chronic thrashing around which ultimately resulted in 4 rounds of redundancies looked like something an 8 year old with just and abacus and piece of graph paper could have handled better.

So essentially the sooner the management model for firms changes the fucking better.

On Women - a valuable reminder

Beefthasar

Posted - 10 December 2009 13:20 Report as offensive SUMO! Pay attention! Don't get distracted by Stixta's charms. Remember, they are all eeeevvviiiillllll All you can rely on in this world is the warming effect of alcohol as you cry in the dark.

Education - Geography - What is Canada?

In my ever present quest to educate and thus liberate the hideously deformed masses I present this treatise I have unearthed explaining the origins and history (and likely future) of Canada.

People from Canada are Canadians. There is not much more to it than that. Go get a map, locate the USA and go north a bit. There. See that big country? That is Canada. People from there are Canadians.

Really Early Origin

The very first Canadians, or Native Canadians, came to Canada thousands of years ago to get away from the perils of being warm.

Early Origin

Canadians, or Canadianus beerbellius, are the descendants of castaways of two pasty European nations, Britain and France.

Back in the day, Britain and France each had one problem: French people and British people, respectively. While their first solution to the problem (varying degrees of war with each other, themselves, and other countries) had successfully led to the death and mangling of untold thousands over the centuries, neither country had yet managed to annihilate the other.

A new solution had to be found. Great minds in both countries sat and pondered, eventually coming up with the brilliant ideas of more war and bigger war. These were tested on a small scale but proved unsatisfying, unsuccessful and unsomethingelse.

War, unfortunately, had two crippling disadvantages; dead people from war, and protests from the people who would end up as dead people in the next war.

A new new solution had to be found. Lesser minds from both countries sat and pondered, trying to figure out how to solve the dilemma. After many hours of boozing and whoring, they hit upon the solution; send the unhappy people away. This would minimize their annoying whining "on the home front" and if war came, as it inevitably would, the dead would not be around to stink up the place. They would instead stink up some other place. Preferably some place far away...and what place was farther away than Canada?

At that time, the region was populated primarily by natives of Canada, some of whom had wacky ideas like "democracy" and "letting chicks out of the house". The "old world" would soon put and end to that foolishness, yessiree!

Britain, unaware of France's plans, sent some of its people to the east coast of Canada. France, unaware of the plans of the British, sent some of its people to that very same coast. The east one. Of Canada.

...at the time, neither side suspected the hilarity that would ensue...

Later Early Origin

The occupants of the British part of Canada, known as Upper Canada, promptly started to annoy the occupants of the French part of Canada, known as Lower Canada, by loudly stomping around the second floor of the country in heavy-soled shoes. The French returned fire by partying, playing music at full blast on weeknights and spilling wine in the foyer and leaving it for the British to clean up.

Meanwhile, the original natives of Canada, or godless savages, were glad to have these foreigners come over and take away their land by force or by stealth, as in exchange they got both marginalization and small plots of land, rather than the giant plot of land that they originally possessed. Eventually they also got more marginalization and their small plots of land were upgraded to be even smaller (yay).

The British Canadians, or "White Trash", and the French Canadians, or "Quoi du Beurre", of course, eventually resorted to war. Soldiers die easy; old habits, however, die hard.

The victory of British forces at the Plains of Abraham was ensured once they had taken the picnic tables. This made up for the loss of their kite in the trees earlier in the battle.

A Concise History of the War Between the Canadians of Upper and Lower Canada

Britain won. France, not so much.

Ebony and Ivory

After the British (in Canada) defeated the French (also in Canada) at the Plains of Abraham they (the British, still in Canada) planned, plotted and connived to ensure that the remaining French citizens would never be unhappy again. In this, they were absolutely and totally successful.

Origin of the Modern Canadian

Britain eventually bored of beavers, trees, and beaver and tree related merchandise, selling the now unprofitable Canada to the residents thereof: Canadians. Then, following a couple of world wars and a decade called the 60's, the modern Canadian emerged.

Canadians, Finally

After Britain sold Canada to the Canadians, people from a now independent Canada, known as Canadians, managed to stumble into the modern era of democracy, human rights and cable television without violence, for the most part.

This means that the average Canadian has a profound dislike for war, especially any war that occurred after Korea as, at best, Canada was only peripherally involved.

After taking part in couple of world wars, known as World War I and World War II, however, Canadians are surprisingly good at blowing shit up. Especially Halifax. For this reason few countries mess with Canada, unless they have shit that needs to be blown up and lack the will or the resources to do so.

During the 1960s, the demographic of the average Canadian changed considerably. Before that time Canada almost exclusively imported white people, eventually buying people from as far east as eastern Europe when the UK and France ran out of people that they didn't need, and all of those were white, though less so than those from Canada's mother countries. In desperation the Canadian government changed from importing mostly from Europe to importing from all over the world.

This lead to the fact that a modern Canadian may occasionally have yellow, swarthy or brown skin, possibly topped off with a jaunty turban! Some Canadians aren't even (gasp!) Christians and about 1/6th have no religion at all.

Strangely, they seem to get along, for some unknown reason.

The Unknown Reason Why Canadians Get Along, Known!

America. Simple really. Both their proximity to Canada and the general American-ness of Americans have, from the very beginning, forced Canadians to huddle together. In addition, they huddle together for warmth.

And for sex.

However, that is beyond the scope of this article.

Essentially Canada has produced Canadians that are Canadian because if they were not they would be Americans. Canadians, like most people of nations that are not the USA, do not want to be Americans. In addition, like the citizens of most other nations, Canadians think that they are better than Americans.

Luckily, by focusing only on the worst stereotypes of America, via American films, television programs, and anecdotal stories about American tourists, Canadians have set the bar rather low for what it takes to be better than Americans.

Even more luckily, Americans have lowered the bar even further by consistently living down to the stereotype. Recently, for reasons unknown even to them, they've tilted the lowered bar to the right. See Pat Robertson, George W. Bush, Ann Coulter, Pat Buchanan, et al, for excellent examples of this phenomenon.

Canadians and their future in Canada, which is where they're from, and the world, which in a greater sense they are also from

The most important thing about Canadians, indeed, the single and only thing about them that matters at all whatsoever, is that at this very moment, while you're sitting there reading this very sentence here before you right now, is that also at this very same moment in time Canadians, from their secret base, Canada, are plotting to steal your girlfriend, if you have one, and if you don't that's really not a bad reflection on you because you are a fine, upstanding gentleman with good teeth and a winning personality or, if you're a girl, then they plan to steal your man or, if you're gay or bisexual then they will, at some as yet undefined point in the future, steal the one, or ones, that you love, and while doing so will also raid your refrigerator, divesting it of those especially plump and juicy strawberries that you picked up, as well as your last beer too, even if it's that Dutch brand in the green bottle that, notoriously, some people think is German, or perhaps they will just use this page and pages much like this one, but specifically this one and not any other ones, to export illegally long sentences by simply and sneakily tricking you into reading them.

Malevolent forces are ever out to thwart me

But none more than these harpies!

Pie Charts are comedy gold

ROF

**HOT GIRL BLOG EMBARGO**

As a result of a continuing dispute with a lesbetronic uber harpy there shall be an embargo of the normal hot girls in various states of undress which has seen this blog attract readers literally by the tens.

* update

Embargo lifted after tense negotiation over an Irn Bru run. !

Facebook abuse (hat tip Dracz)

Granted I may be guilty of this

The MMF or Monumental Mind Fuck, a weapon used by women and how it was invented

You poor poor fool, clearly being a 3^rd world refugee and flocking to the anglo saxon light of civilization has taught you nothing. Fortunately for me I grew up in Glasgow, granted on the streets as part of a pack of feral dogs/ hairy youths, but had the benefit of random preachers, philosophers, demagogues and scientists preaching their knowledge and ideas upon a soap box in george square. It was here that I first came to realise the awful truth and to refine my tactics in the war of the sexes.

A woman you see is small, weak and vulnerable to many things, not least of which is the mammoth, a ferocious burrowing creature which uses it’s great horns to tunnel under the ground before deploying it’s slimy tentacle in a vesuvial eruption from the earth to snatch and devour said feme.

A man is the natural enemy of the mammoth, there is after all good eating on a mammoth and the fur makes for a cool cape. A man may spring at the mammoth seize it’s terrible horns and deliver thunderous head butt after thunderous head butt until the vile creature is slain.

The problem for the lady is how does she harness the ferocity of a gent to keep her safe from the mammoth and indeed the sundry other creatures which may do her harm? She cannot resort to physical oppression as she is weak and feeble. She can try to be alluring but she risks being used and discarded and in such a situation would be tired and even more easily fall prey to predators.

No, what women have developed is the MMF (Monumental Mind Fcuk) where they beguile a gent not by recourse to swaying hips and heaving bosoms (which are merely there to catch the eye) but by deploying invisible mind claws to sink into his brain and enslave him. Initally this would result in a large angry man being on call to attack any predatory creatures such as the afore mentioned mammoth being the main aggressor.

The modern effects are easily seen in an otherwise sane man believing the drivel that spouts from a lady’s mouth, carrying heavy things sometimes without his knowledge, constructing improbably pieces of furniture and indeed handing out the credit card and his hard earned wonga because a bit of hoovering equates to a 12 hour shift down a mine.

Perhaps you have already twigged where I am going with this but I shall lay it out anyway. The problem is that women have gone too far and have so domesticated the majority of men that they are practically women themselves. In the 1950s spontaneous ovary growth in men was at 0.0023% of the population. Today it is at a horrifying 12% and follows an upsurge in mammoth activity to the tune of 45,000 women (and feminine men) being devoured in the last year.

As I previously mentioned I was alerted to this phenomenon at an early age and following much meditation, hitting myself in the head with a hammer and a diet of raw meant, often that of tourists brought down by my fellow feral weegie youths I was able to kill off that part of my brain which the MMF targets. The happy result being that when confronted by even the most alluring of sirens I do not fall victim to their tricks and instead remain able to revert to my own natural comparative advantage which like any proper man is to simply physically out gun a lady and stuff her in a sack while her invisible mind claws thrash helplessly at my dented skull.

I urge you (and indeed anyone who would be a man) to take up a hammer post haste, hit yourself in the head and free yourself from these harpies!

You'd think the Draconian liable laws in England (I am Scottish but live in accursed England) would deter this sort of thing

Wellington

Posted - 14 October 2009 16:59

His left leg is circa 3 inches longer than his right.

SumoKing

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:00 Report as offensive

circa is a measurement of time surely?

Mr Coffee hes so frothy

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:01 Report as offensive

several african refugee families reside in his enormous flab-folds.

Wellington

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:01 Report as offensive

He owns a flock of miniature ducks which he feeds oven chips

Windowshade Curlymint

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:02 Report as offensive

He has the brain the size of a small fish and the sensitivity of a donkey.

Oh no wait, that's true..

Still adore him though for my sins

SumoKing

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:03 Report as offensive

if you ton this up I will post it up on my blog

abbeywell46

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:03 Report as offensive

he plucks his own bikini line with a pair of rusty tweezers

Betty

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:03 Report as offensive

His favourite thing in the world is a runny egg and sausage sandwich made with fresh white bread.

Wellington

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:05 Report as offensive

He once climbed halfway up Ben Nevis but then had to be air lifted down after receiving a nasty adder bite.

Not Too Fussy

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:05 Report as offensive

he likes spending his sunny afternoons daisy chaining

Suburban Samurai

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:06 Report as offensive

He won a first at Glasgow, has squandered three fortunes, made love to a thousand women, imbibed strange drugs, sold his soul for Rock'n'Roll, almost pipped Krugman for the Nobel Prize and is barred from every Chinese noodle parlour in South Manchester.

Not Too Fussy

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:06 Report as offensive

he knits all his own sweaters

abbeywell46

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:07 Report as offensive

and pickles his own onions

Wellington

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:08 Report as offensive

He once challenged the Bass player from White Snake to an arm wrestle. The challenge was turned down.

camenbert

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:08 Report as offensive

Some say he casts no shadow when in Salford

Some say he his knees pcik up jazz FM

all we know is, he's called the Sumo

Betty

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:09 Report as offensive

In his spare time he surfs the internet looking for pictures of middle-aged women with sunburn.

Not Too Fussy

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:11 Report as offensive

it was Mrs Sumo that caught him in a sack and kept him in her basement - she has since taught him everything he knows

Nick Lowe

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:11 Report as offensive

He admires and respects the RoF poster known as Nick Lowe and wishes he was from Edinburgh too.

I'm pretty sure the 'He' bit of that sentence is true.

Bungle Fever

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:12 Report as offensive

Rumours circulating in Motherwell as recently as yesterday suggest that his sweat has the identical chemical composition to Irn Bru.

eugenie

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:15 Report as offensive

his lips are devil red

and his skin's the colour of mocha

Dogmatix

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:16 Report as offensive

Sumo lessr known persuits include cake decoration, hello kitty memorabila collection and sack quilting.

abbeywell46

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:18 Report as offensive

He likes Jeff Stryker prison movies

Bungle Fever

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:18 Report as offensive

When he drinks blended whisky he pees cask-strength single malt.

Suburban Samurai

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:19 Report as offensive

He credited with modernising the city of Edinburgh in 2003 by introducing the backwards yokels to electricity

he is worshipped as a god by the cargo cult that sprang up following this mighty deed and to which 98.6%* of the population of Edinburgh adhere

(*note the remaining 1.4% of the population are gents from holy Glasgow whose girlfriends made them move)

The_original_IG

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:22 Report as offensive

he used an axe to hack off his hand at the wrist, then sewed it back on just because he was bored and wanted to pass some time.

Mark Corrigan

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:27 Report as offensive

As has been revealed on a previous occasion, "he" is actually a 14-year-old public schoolgirl called Arabella who is distantly related to the Duchess of Kent.

Miss Happy

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:59 Report as offensive

He often dresses up in womens clothes and performs as a drag queen.

SolsburyHill

Posted - 14 October 2009 18:03 Report as offensive

He is sixteenth in line to the the throne of Albania.

oxsnob

Posted - 14 October 2009 18:04 Report as offensive

He owns Jimmy Saville's original chair from 'Jim'll Fix It,' which he has had converted to dispense large brandies as well as cigars and cups of tea.

oxsnob

Posted - 14 October 2009 18:07 Report as offensive

(the inside of the chair features a small prison for petite girls)

Betty

Posted - 14 October 2009 18:09 Report as offensive

He is allergic to Latex.

Miss Happy

Posted - 14 October 2009 18:16 Report as offensive

I like that one Betty.

SolsburyHill

Posted - 14 October 2009 18:17 Report as offensive

His life story inspired the character of Andy Defrain in the Shawshank Redemption, he posts from Zihuatanejo.

greatape

Posted - 14 October 2009 18:18 Report as offensive

He has been chosen as the model for the reconstruction of the Buddhas of Bamiyan.

SumoKing

Posted - 14 October 2009 18:24 Report as offensive

I do like the sound of that chair

Wellington

Posted - 14 October 2009 18:25 Report as offensive

He has both male and female sex organs. As well as a set which Doctors are yet to identify.

*Cosmic*

Posted - 14 October 2009 18:41 Report as offensive

His favourite is a Dairylea Triangle.

abbeywell46

Posted - 14 October 2009 18:43 Report as offensive

he has a trick pelvis and no gag reflex

Wellington

Posted - 14 October 2009 18:45 Report as offensive

He lost three of his fingers in a bear fight in kazakhstan. The fingers have been replaced by Cadbury's chocolate fingers

Tamora

Posted - 14 October 2009 18:56 Report as offensive

he blows goats

Nut Butter

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:00 Report as offensive

He was named for Sue Moffit, internationally acclaimed painter of animals, principally known for her characterful portrait paintings of cows.

curious girl

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:26 Report as offensive

he keeps a colony of snails in his sock drawer.

Miss Mayhem

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:27 Report as offensive

Sumo looks good in a skirt.

Miss Mayhem

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:28 Report as offensive

Oh. You said make stuff up...

Sorry, misunderstood the brief.

Nevermind me.

Wellington

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:29 Report as offensive

He is leading a consortium of former South East Asian dictators to buy Newcastle United

Jadis

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:30 Report as offensive

He once loaned a knitting pattern to my Grandma, attempted to charge 300% apr, sent the boys around...messy...grrr.

Roast Beef

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:37 Report as offensive

He once spent a year in silence, so as to better appreciate the sound of a whisper.

Wellington

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:39 Report as offensive

He was present at Crecy and Poitiers, but had a cold and missed Agincourt.

chambers

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:40 Report as offensive

He's from Lancashire and wishes he was from Yorkshire like all the cool kids.

Hardman

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:45 Report as offensive

he likes spending his sunny afternoons chaining Daisy from accounts to his four poster and showing her some double entry book-keeping..

Wellington

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:49 Report as offensive

He once punched Leona Lewis in the side of the head at a book signing

Wellington

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:50 Report as offensive

He had a threesome with Stephen Gately and a Bulgarian

chambers

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:56 Report as offensive

Ah, correction. Just remembered. He's Scottish isn't he.

Doesn't change things.

Jadis

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:57 Report as offensive

Oh, I forget to mention that he wee's sherbert.

Suburban Samurai

Posted - 14 October 2009 20:18 Report as offensive

He has penned more than eight million words. His autohagiography, The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived, chronicles the life of an individual who shuns the everyday, scorns the laws of ordinary men, laughs in the face of convention, reinvented the ocarina and hates Leona Lewis

Wellington

Posted - 14 October 2009 21:39 Report as offensive

Sumo was both the long term and short term cause of World War 1

Wellington

Posted - 15 October 2009 08:37 Report as offensive

From the age of 2 he was raised by wolves in the forests of Romania.

camenbert

Posted - 15 October 2009 09:00 Report as offensive

he is a world expert on English country dancing and regularly competes in bouts of full-contact morris dancing

Bungle Fever

Posted - 15 October 2009 09:41 Report as offensive

In 1996, he spent 3 months constructing a scale model of the Erskine Bridge inside an empty Auchentoshan bottle. He spent the next three months planning to build an Auchentoshan whisky bottle in which he would enclose the actual Erskine Bridge, but his Icelandic backers pulled out in a disagreement over sponsorship arrangements.

Wellington

Posted - 15 October 2009 09:44 Report as offensive

In 1973 he invented Soda Stream

*Cosmic*

Posted - 15 October 2009 09:53 Report as offensive

His favourite drink is dandelion and burdock, Soda Stream stylee.

*Cosmic*

Posted - 15 October 2009 09:54 Report as offensive

Spooky, Wellington, hadn't see your post!

Wellington

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:03 Report as offensive

Great minds, Cosmic, great minds

Speaking of which Sumo won 8 nobel peace prizes but they were taken away from him after his brief flirtation with Nazism during the 1930s.

*Cosmic*

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:06 Report as offensive

Sumo is a London Irish fan but secretly wishes Digger the Irish Wolfhound would replace Big Bob Casey in the second row.

Wellington

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:12 Report as offensive

Sumo was part of the Uruguay team which won the first ever World Cup.

The Bean

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:13 Report as offensive

Sumo collects certified copy stamps from every firm he has worked for.

Mr Orange

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:16 Report as offensive

When appearing at court, Sumo sometimes likes to wrongfoot the other side by rolling up on one of these:

http://www.my-family-fun.com/pictures/barbie-girls-bike-1.jpg

SumoKing

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:21 Report as offensive

you fcuker orange

Wellington

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:23 Report as offensive

Sumo has been a nomination for Prime Minsiter in the last 5 general elections. Unfortunately he's a lib dem.

Bungle Fever

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:26 Report as offensive

Sumo invented the deep-fried pizza.

Wellington

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:35 Report as offensive

Sumo provided the voices for all of the characters on The Racoons.

Except Cyril Sneer.

*Cosmic*

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:37 Report as offensive

That Racoons one would be so cool if it were true.

Wellington

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:38 Report as offensive

He lost all his hair at Chernobyl. He now wears a wig made primarily from knitted sheeps testicles.

Betty

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:39 Report as offensive

Mr Orange wins.

*Cosmic*

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:41 Report as offensive

Sumo devised the the set of the Aztec Zone in the Crystal Maze. He also dressed up as 'Mumsie' on the few occasions that Sandra Caron was late for filming.

Bungle Fever

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:44 Report as offensive

He was Sean Connery's stunt double in both Rising Sun and Dr No.

Bungle Fever

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:59 Report as offensive

Sumo never touches a computer. He "employs" several "assistants" ("kidnapped" and "love-slaves" may be more accurate) to type as he dictates. He has one for each of his online activities: RoF, blog etc.

Wellington

Posted - 15 October 2009 11:00 Report as offensive

No one knows who Sumo's father really his. Prime contenders are Alexander the Great, Rasputin and Clive (his mums one eyed window cleaner.)

SumoKing

Posted - 15 October 2009 11:33 Report as offensive

I hate the racoons

Wellington

Posted - 15 October 2009 11:35 Report as offensive

WHAT?????????????????????

SumoKing

Posted - 15 October 2009 11:39 Report as offensive

no explosions it was pish

the whole point of cartoons is to do stuff you can't do in real life and a host of characters living in harmony in a wood is just a sort of TV prep school for convincing children they should settle for soap opera tripe

monkeygirkl

Posted - 15 October 2009 11:41 Report as offensive

He really wanted to call himself MusoKing but his fingers are so fat he can't type properly...or play the guitar

Wellington

Posted - 15 October 2009 11:46 Report as offensive

The reason he doesn't like the Racoons is because he was buggered senseless by a gang of randy male racoons whilst on a School trip.

monkeygirkl

Posted - 15 October 2009 11:53 Report as offensive

Sumo had a walk-on role as an extra in B-Grade film Attack of the Killer Tomatoes - as one of the tomatoes

Bad Fingers

Posted - 15 October 2009 12:06 Report as offensive

he is actually a young woman called Judith who lives in the New Forest with her parents where she enjoys cycling, playing with her dogs and setting fire to cars and cats

SumoKing

Posted - 15 October 2009 17:24 Report as offensive

can't believe this didn't tun

abbeywell63

Posted - 15 October 2009 17:26 Report as offensive

he likes a nice rimming chair

Cruella De Evil

Posted - 15 October 2009 17:38 Report as offensive

He is distantly related to the Wombles.

greatape

Posted - 15 October 2009 17:41 Report as offensive

He eally wanted the username Smoking Gnu, but had to go for a near anagram when that name was not available.

The Bean

Posted - 15 October 2009 17:42 Report as offensive

In his spare time, Sumo whittles baseball bats from oak.

Cruella De Evil

Posted - 15 October 2009 17:56 Report as offensive

He is so sexually potent that he fathered a band of little Sumo Kings, simply by looking winsomely at or in the general direction of 124 women of child bearing age.

The Bean

Posted - 15 October 2009 20:22 Report as offensive

Sumo knits baby blankets for orphaned children.

Wellington

Posted - 15 October 2009 20:25 Report as offensive

Sumo was originially due to appear in Friends instead of David Schwimmer but during the filming of the pilot show he managed to sleep with both Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox. He was asked to leave the studio immediately

Wellington

Posted - 15 October 2009 20:27 Report as offensive

Michel Le Roux's mad eyes are the result of him once staring directly into Sumo's eyes. If a normal person did this, their head would explode.

chatfieldbatham

Posted - 16 October 2009 07:13 Report as offensive

He hums.

Badly.

Hmm hmm hmmm...

monkeygirkl

Posted - 16 October 2009 07:31 Report as offensive

Sumo is responsible for the disappearing garden gnome phenomenon by planting moles in every garden.

oxsnob

Posted - 16 October 2009 07:35 Report as offensive

Sumo is in fact related to Paul Calf (the Steve Coogan character) and Asbo Joe and likes to spend his free time picking fights with pretentious goateed students in his local boozer.

(When he is not occupied with catching women in his sack)

His favourite other hobbies include smoking tabs, lager, and arguing about football. And having a good punch-up outside the kebab shop.

Testarossa

Posted - 16 October 2009 08:38 Report as offensive

Sumo sleeps standing up in a darlek

oxsnob

Posted - 16 October 2009 08:50 Report as offensive

Sumo has a 3ft long lizard tail which requires him to have his suits tailored by Kilgour. If you catch him by his tail it falls off, enabling his rapid escape. His lizard tail has been known to be mislaid during sack-related activity.

Wellington

Posted - 16 October 2009 08:52 Report as offensive

Sumo once blacked himself up. This resulted in him being elected as President of the US.

Wellington

Posted - 16 October 2009 08:53 Report as offensive

Sumo has auditioned every year for the X-Factor since it started. He has never made it past boot camp.

oxsnob

Posted - 16 October 2009 09:03 Report as offensive

*splutters with laughter @ Wellington!* heh! comedy gold.

oxsnob

Posted - 16 October 2009 09:03 Report as offensive

(at the blacking himself up gag)

The Bean

Posted - 16 October 2009 10:06 Report as offensive

Ditto. Another overt chuckle on the train due to that.

Bungle Fever

Posted - 16 October 2009 10:13 Report as offensive

Sumo once ate a baby - the other other white meat.

oxsnob

Posted - 17 October 2009 10:40 Report as offensive

Sumo used to be the drummer for Slipknot but the band decided he was too depraved and scary.

oxsnob

Posted - 17 October 2009 10:50 Report as offensive

Now he writes all of Rammstein's choons instead.

monkeygirkl

Posted - 17 October 2009 10:57 Report as offensive

...while moonlighting as bass player for the Insane Clown Posse

oxsnob

Posted - 17 October 2009 11:17 Report as offensive

heh @ Monkey! Trying to think of more.