Sunday, 31 October 2010

The curious case of the people who hate doors

Mrs Sumo, being surprisingly sensible for a hot blonde, took advantage of the generous relocation package offered at Evil Pharma Co some 8 years ago when she joined. Granted this resulted in a poky 2 bed (or 1 bed and sizeable cupboard) in Hobo'sville Rural Cheshire. Nice if you want to send your braying sprogs to King's School but also mundane slow death to anyone under 80. 

On my quitting London and moving up to live with Mrs Sumo I quickly came to the conclusion that I would claw my eyes out with scissors than live in that bluddy place and so we thankfully grabbed the first Manchester flat we looked round. There being a credit crunch and all, afore mentioned poky terrace house could not be sold at serious profit so Mrs S rented it out. And being a fcuking sap/sucker for a sob story she rented it to random woman with two hyper kids and a cheque from the social. 

Having considered and reasoned that having the mortgage paid by HMG is comparable to a tax credit I ceased neigh saying the plan and went back to enjoying nationally recognisable chain stores and pubs.

Ocassionally Mrs Sumo has mentioned things like 
"That's the 3 time I've had to get a plumber out to fix that shower for them"
"They say the oven doesn't work but it's okay because they don't use it"
"They say a handle fell off the window and broke the inside pane of glass"
Normally I sort of grunt and go back to playing conquer the world/galaxy/shoot everything type games. Until this one started to frequently crop up. 
"They seem to have taken off the doors"


Now the tenants are moving out. (and as an aside Mrs S has shown her sappishness and is going to rent to a girl on DSS whose credit check came back bad and who wants to paint the house pink) Mrs Sumo has been round to take inventory and found that all but 2 doors have been taken off, at least 2 of which are actually missing from the premises?
2 dining room doors vanished
1 living room to hall door, taken off
spare room door, taken off
cupboard doors, missing
and then it gets even more weird because the two remaining doors, main bedroom and bathroom have had hook and latch locks put on them in the top corners. 

I don't understand what these people have against doors? I don't know if maybe it is a cultural English thing that I am not privy to, certainly in Scotland we value doors not least for their ability to keep the heat in a room during the winter, perhaps it's different down here because it is warmer but I suspect I am clutching at straws and basically a bunch of crazies with mental kids have stolen out doors. 


  1. Erm, actually the DSS (Department for Social Security) doesn't actually exist anymore and hasn't done for bluddy year. So when landlords state on gumtree ads they won't rent to someone on "DSS", techincally a person could easily say "Great, here's a cheque from the DWP instead".

    As a side note, I didn't have Mrs Sumo down as being a "fcuking sap/sucker for a sob story" in which case, i reckon she must have good reason one way or another..

    No doors= Open plan innit. It's all the rage nowadays, Sumo.

  2. Hmm, having said in more detail about the stolen doors and the weird lock type things, I can only conclude they must have been running a brothel. The reason for the lack of doors is to do with voyeurism. They kept a couple of rooms private for the children and the rest were for public sex sessions, no doubt. I would have done a deal with them for a share of the profits. Alas, too late.