Monday, 30 November 2009

You, Madam, are some Bad Candy

Maybe the Police could do some Policing rather than just terrorising the law abiding

Compare this, tragic mauling to death of four-year-old John Paul Massey

Police said Ms Foulkes had been looking after John-Paul at her home in Ash Grove while his mother went to work.

The force has begun a further inquiry after admitting it received a report of dogs being bred at the house in February but failed to take any action.

With this, mother who was bullied by the cops and local council for telling off her children and trying to make them behave

A mother fears she has been 'criminalised' for giving her children a ticking-off in a supermarket.

She was secretly followed home by an off-duty policeman who overheard her threatening to smack them unless they behaved.

Six weeks later two officers came to her home and questioned her about disciplining the youngsters, a boy of 11 and a four-year-old girl. To her horror she then received a letter from the local council saying her 'chastisement' of the children had been 'put on record' for at least the next 14 years.

If you don't love this movie, I will fight you

Sunday, 29 November 2009

Saturday, 28 November 2009

Dear People

Fucking I do not care what shit your neddy (read scally or chavish) unholy off spring is spouting that makes it absolutely necessary to walk 4 abreast down the street, however, while the 20 or so people in front of me, sundry grannies, the disabled, polite unconfrontational people, will tut in their heads and walk on the road to dodge round you I am going straight through.


I do not give a flying fuck how 'rude' you overindulged, scrounging, pavement hogging cunts think this is, I am bigger and likely crazier than you so, in the words of the famous philosopher Eminem, I just don't give a fuck!

Wednesday, 25 November 2009

SpazX's Law (also SpazX's Rule of Dumb Cunt, Marxists Analogies)

SpazX's Law (also SpazX's Rule of Dumb Cunt, Marxists Analogies) is a mainstay of Internet culture, an adage formulated by a troubled loner in 2006. The law states:
As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a someone in the discussion addressing someone else as a dumbcunt or a Marxist approaches one.
SpazX's Law does not dispute whether, in a particular instance, a reference or comparison to the dumb cunts or the Marxists might be apt. It is precisely because such a reference or comparison may sometimes be appropriate, SpazX argues, that overuse of the dumb cunt/Marxist comparison should be avoided, as it robs the valid comparisons of their impact.

Although in one of its early forms SpazX's Law referred specifically to Usenet newsgroup discussions, the law is now applied to any threaded online discussion: electronic mailing lists, message boards, chat rooms, and more recently blog comment threads and wiki discussion pages.

Malevolent forces are ever out to thwart me

But none more than these harpies!

Nemesis - A Definition

1. A source of harm or ruin: Uncritical trust is my nemesis.

2. Retributive justice in its execution or outcome: To follow the proposed course of action is to invite nemesis.

3. An opponent that cannot be beaten or overcome.

4. One that inflicts retribution or vengeance.

5. Nemesis Greek Mythology The goddess of retributive justice or vengeance.

6. Rof Stick Insect

Spaced is Da Bomb (that's right square I said Da but studiously spelt bomb correctly! How you like those apples)

[Mike is undertaking a Rorschach ink test; the first card is very obviously a couple having sex]
Mike: War.
TA Officer: [Holding the next card] This one?
Mike: Bomb.
TA Officer: [Next card] This one?
Mike: Guts.
[Next card]
Mike: Guns.
[Next card]
Mike: Guts and guns.
[Next card]
Mike: [Happily] Butterfly.
[The TA Officer frowns]
Mike: [Realizes] Butterfly with a bomb.

Tuesday, 24 November 2009

From the Lady Sack (Patent Pending)

How to actually fix your life

The Art of Manliness is ever the helpful resource to the modern bloke who is daily bombarded by the most fucked up, whimsical nonsense ever to trot out of an advertising department. Oh, and whoopdefuckadoodledo the next UK government will be led by an ad man.

Jeebus fucking wept.

anywhose, on the off chance anyone actually wants to improve themselves and are sick of retarded self help gurus who peddle snake oil, The Art of Manliness has a great piece here.

The Strenuous Life (1900)

If we stand idly by, if we seek merely swollen, slothful ease and ignoble peace, if we shrink from the hard contests where men must win at hazard of their lives and at the risk of all they hold dear, then the bolder and stronger peoples will pass us by, and will win for themselves the domination of the world.
Theodore Roosevelt, Jr. (27/10/1858 – 01/06/1919) 26th President of the United States (1901–1909).

Monday, 23 November 2009

10-year-old lad, refuses to say the Pledge of Allegiance at school because there is no liberty or justice for all in America

Fuck me, I wish I'd had as much backbone when I was 10 (in fact there are a great many people in the UK who could do with taking some lessons from this kid. for some reason I can't link to the original story)

Among the comment in the Arkansas News.

The Pledge of Allegiance was cooked up by a Baptist fellow in 1892 and subsequently promoted in youth publications for recitation by school children. It is, of course, not anything our founders envisioned and is, in fact, kind of antithetical to our very principle of constitutionally guaranteed liberty.

You cannot force somebody to promise fealty in this gloriously free country.

I also saw that the Daily Show has enlisted WWE wrestler Mick Foley as a bodyguard for 10 year old Will Phillips after, predictably, his classmates decided he must be gay and started calling him a gaywad.

Thursday, 19 November 2009

You Madam are some Bad Candy!

Thomas Erskine KC on freedom

The liberty of the press would be an empty sound, and no man would venture to write on any subject, however, pure his purpose, without an attorney at one elbow and a counsel at the other. From minds thus subdued by the fear of punishment, there could issue no works of genius to expand the empire of human reason.
Thomas Erskine

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

How to Start Your Own Street Gang

Things You'll Need:

1. homies
2. a lot of time on your hands
3. a job ... just kidding


Step 1. Find a few friends that have a lot of time on their hands.

Step 2. Convince your friends to all wear the same colour clothes as you and create a secret sign or handshake. (Preferably a cool sign or handshake)

Step 3. Give each other cool nicknames and spray paint then on your clothes along with your gang name.

Step 4. Start walking around your neighbourhood.

*Don't smile

Step 5. Holler at an occasional girl walking by. (By holler i mean shout compliments) example: "Why hello miss you are looking quite good today"

Step 6. As people begin to notice your gang invite them to join. The more the merrier!

Step 7. In order to create funds for your gang create some sort of entrepreneurial street sales business. Example: Bake sale outside your house ... perhaps lemonade and cookies.

Step 8. After you have made money from your business make sure to carrier your entire net worth in your wallet and pockets.
*If possible let everyone you see know how rich and cool you are

Step 9. Congratulations you now have your own street gang!

From the Lady Sack (Patent Pending)

Stuff what is manly!

1. Manly Explosions are Manly – Explosions are badass, and every guy knows it… that’s why Michael Bay put so many explosions into Transformers (1 and 2). If you tell me you just saw someone eat glass, I’d be like “eh, that’s cool, I guess,” but tell me something in the backyard is exploding and I’ll be there in a heartbeat, beer in hand.

source: unknown

source: unknown

2. Hot Chicks – Ok, so hot chicks aren’t manly, that would be gross, but being around hot chicks IS manly, so is having hot chick calendars, hot chick beach towels, mugs with hot chicks on ‘em, posters of hot chicks, and car magazines with hot chicks leaning on cars, preferably all in bikinis.



3. Bare Hands – Men don’t fuck around, we don’t have time to. If something needs to be done, we’ll do it. When the wife says, “Hey honey, we don’t have anymore gasoline for the lawnmower,” we say, “No problem, I’ll just rip that shit out with my bare hands.” Or when the girlfriend is all like, “I can’t change this flat tire because I lost the jack,” we just rip the lug nuts off with our bare hands.



4. Manly Beards are Manly – When you think of a manly man, what do you think of? Lumberjacks. Lumberjacks have beards for a reason, to protect their face from the cold when its 10-degrees below zero and they’re fighting polar bears and catching salmon and, of course, cutting down trees in the winter. So the next time you see a man with a great beard, compliment him, we need to stick together. By the way, you should add REDBEARD on facebook.



5. Manly Cars are Manly – We’re not talking about your Ford Focus or your Scion xB, we’re talking powerful and intimidating vehicles. We’re talking trucks so tall, you’ve got to use a ladder to get in it. We’re talking ‘68 cherry red Camaros with racing stripes and an exhaust system that can wake up your parents (that live two states away from you).



6. Tools – We’re men and we use tools… for everything. Shit, just last week I used a hammer to open my car door just cause I felt like it. Whether it’s a chainsaw, a jackhammer, a wrench, or a screwdriver, we’re using it, and if we’re not using that, we’re using a sawzall, a nail gun, or a backhoe.



7. Balls – It’s pretty obvious men have balls. Now I’m talking literal balls and metaphorical balls. Ever watch a movie where a guy runs into a burning building to save a child? Or how about wrestling a shark cause it looked at you funny? These things take balls and that’s why men have ‘em.



8. Guns – Guns are basically like having a second penis. They’re powerful, they shoot, and girls are afraid of them. Not all guys want guns, but all men sure do.



9. Grilling – Men grill… or barbeque, they don’t bake, or “prepare.” Eff that noise. Something about using fire to conquer beasts and then teaching them a lesson by eating the shit out of them just reaches out to a man’s heart. And, we don’t stop at meat, we grill anything. Corn, pineapples, shoot, I even heard you can make a cake on a grill.



10. Beer – It has been referred to as the nectar of the gods, and for good reason. After a long day of working with tools and living off the land, a cold beer hits the spot better than anything. In fact, beer has been known to cure the common cold, athlete’s foot, and getting bitched at.



11. Manly Names are Manly – What’s your name? Betty? Samantha? Kristen? That’s not manly at all. That’s why men have manly names like Duncan Steel, Magnus Ver Magnusson, and Brock Lesnar. Our names define us… you really think someone’s is gonna want to mess with you if your name is Brick Rippley? Not a chance.



12. Football – Running into someone as fast as you possibly can with the intent of causing physical harm is manly. Badminton is not. Everything about football is manly really… tailgating (in trucks sometimes), grilling in the parking lot, drinking beers, watching hot chicks (cheerleaders), and getting loud as hell when someone almost takes another persons head off.



13. Manly Jobs are Manly – What’s manlier than being a glass chewer, a master beardsman, a truck juggler, a brick shitter, or a rodeo clown for sharks ? Not much.



14. Manly Movies are Manly – Let’s be honest, men only watch chick flicks if they’re trying to get some. To men, everything exists to entertain us, including movies, so when we choose what we wanna watch its usually something like Blazing Saddles, Army of Darkness, Braveheart, James Bond, Lethal Weapon, etc. In case you wanna know what other kind of movies men like,



Shit storm round up

  • Barnardos finds child abuse, ignores cops, asks government for money
  • Alan Johnson turns out to be a hypocrytic massive cunt afterall
  • Tories say fuck off we don't need to have trials
  • Parents to be interrogated for having the audacity to send kids to school
  • Ofsted hides Baby P evidence, hands Sharon Shoesmith £50k in indemnity costs

Monday, 16 November 2009

Tits don't need hiding in a bra, why not try a belt instead

Bill Hicks - Salvation Tour 2005

[on New Kids on the Block, Rick Astley, George Michaels, et al] People say to me, "Oh, Bill, leave them alone. They're so good, and so clean-cut, and they're such a good image for the children." Fuck that! When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children listening to people who fucking rocked! I don't care if they died in pools of their own vomit! I want someone who plays from his fucking heart!

ID cards good for getting you into a bar so you can binge drink, also don't binge drink says Home Office Minister!

Jeebus Titty Fucking Christ almighty on a fucking flying motorbike jumping a line of double deckers!

Young people should take up identity cards as a "convenient" way of proving their age in nightclubs and bars, a Home Office minister has said.

Setting aside that anyone 18 can get a driving licence (at least provisional) a prove your age card or a passport to prove to a suspicious landlord that they are indeed 18 before they indulge in financial ruin for having the temerity to drink outside the confines of their own living room. It is current government policy that anyone who goes out for a night out is a raging anarchist criminal paedophile granny basher of the highest order! Why the fuck would some gullible 18 year old shell out 30 notes for one of these things and then spend the next few years getting it in the neck from the provider for using it?


also, and this is best thing about the whole soppy wankathon,

'gangs are setting up fake-ID factories using printers bought at high street shops. The Met has shut at least 20 “factories” in the last 18 months and believes more than 30,000 fake identities are in circulation.

Police examined 12,000 of them and established they were behind a racket worth £14 million.

One £750 printer was withdrawn from sale at PC World after detectives revealed it could produce replicas of the proposed new ID card and EU driving licences.'

Genius, the fucking ID card can be knocked up on a home printer for £750. Flog them to 100 of your classmates at £10 a go and you are laughing!

Fucking useless wonk fucks! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

Friday, 13 November 2009

From the Lady Sack (Patent Pending)

Readers want Spaced Quotes says Mr November

And in the uber bastard capitalist world of me, the customer gets what they want!

Bilbo Bagshot: I was like you once. Blonde hair. Scraggly little beard. Childlike ears. Full of beans, and spunk. I let my principles get in the way of things. I once punched a bloke out once for saying Hawk the Slayer was rubbish.
Tim: Good for you.
Bilbo Bagshot: Yeah, thanks. But that's not the point, Tim. The point is I was defending the fantasy genre with terminal intensity, when what I should have said was "Dad, you're right - but let's give Krull a try, and we'll discuss it later." [pause] The Phantom Menace was eighteen months ago, Tim!
Tim: I know Bilbo, but... it still hurts, you know? I mean, that kid wanted a Jar Jar doll!
Bilbo: Kids like Jar Jar!
Tim: Why?
Bilbo Bagshot: What about the Ewoks eh? They were rubbish. You don't complain about them.
Tim: Yeah but Jar Jar Binks makes the Ewoks look like... fuckin'... Shaft.


An experiment to see if this will generate a load of traffic and thus up the blog views.

Then I get me some adverts and watch the green roll in!

*update, views have jumped up by 10

*update 2, views have jumped a fruther 10 to 120?!

Tuesday, 10 November 2009

I love Scotch, Scotchy Scotch Scotch, here it goes down, down into my belly!

Women, you can't drown them all

From the truly awesome Spaced

Brian: Can I borrow a tea-bag?
Tim: [sarcastically] Only if you bring it back. [pauses] You can HAVE a tea-bag, Brian, you can't borrow one. [turns around, sees Brian dressed as a painting] You've got paint on you.
Brian: It's a literal tribute to the self reflexivity of Rembrandt.
Tim: Did he like it?
Brian: He's dead.
Tim: Bloody hell, that really backfired.
Brian: What are you playing?
Tim: Tomb Raider 3.
Brian: She's drowning.
Tim: Yeah.
Brian: Is that the point of the game?
Tim: Depends what mood you're in really.
Brian: What sort of mood are you in then?
Tim: Well, I got a letter from my ex-girlfriend this morning, 3 months too late, explaining why she dumped me. It was full of 'you'll always be special' and 'I'll always love you' platitudes designed to make me feel better whilst simultaneously appeasing her deep seated sense of guilt for dumping me, running off with a slimy little city boy called Duane and destroying my faith in everything which is good and pure.
Brian: So it didn't really work then.
Tim: No, it made me wanna drown things!

Monday, 9 November 2009

The Mrs has gone out and I, for one, am cranking this bad boy up!

Why I suck at Pool /The twisted mind games Women play

I often asked, Sumo old son, how is it with your incomparable prowess in all the myriad fields of human endeavour that a skinny fucking girl can beat you at pool. What these gentle enquirers fail to appreciate is just how far a woman will go to distract you in order to 1 win at pool and 2 get her self some prime scotch beef to wrap her shapely legs around!

I have tits I deserve to steal!

Reforms to the discredited system of House of Commons expenses would place women at risk of sexual assault, a group of female MPs has said.

How fucking thick do you have to be to not understand that the tax payer has had enough of MPs taking the fucking piss and stealing money to feather their own nests.

in a letter to The Times, backbench Labour MPs Claire Curtis-Thomas, Kali Mountford and Phyllis Starkey, along with Tories Jacqui Lait and Eleanor Laing, said that the Kelly report failed to “address the fact that MPs are, in effect, shift workers”

Shift workers! with Fridays off and 82 days Holiday over the summer and free fucking parking! And if course not to mention that all shift workers in the UK automatically get a 2nd home paid for by their employer least the shitty public transport system that some useless ovary warmer MP has cunted up isn't up to the job of getting them home!

Two of the three Labour MPs who have put their names to the letter have announced that they will be standing down at the next election.

Which is even fucking better. Because it means that these flesh wastes are taking the heat for their mates (prolly mentalist in chief Harriet Oh I do so wish I had a Cock and Balls of my own to torture Harman) who have pushed them forward and put them up to it.

MPs hate the thieving fucks or ignore them you have to agree they are all totally fucking clueless and useless.

Keith I'm a massive fun hating cunt Vaz knows better than you!

Labour MP and arch enemy of any and all games that are not Ludo is apparently dismayed at the level of violence in Call of Duty 2 Modern Warfare.

In typical Neo Labour style he has vowed to raise questions about the game in parliament. This would be despite the game being classified 18 and people aged 18 and over apparently have not over night lost the ability to tell fantasy from reality.

I am aware that such an affliction is prevalent at Westminster where expenses rules are apparently subject to any fantastical whimsy of what is wholly necessary for a troughing thieving bastard MP to claim but that does not mean that on the anniversary of the collapse of the Berlin Wall that some tubby fucker can tell me what I can and can't do in my spare time in the sanctity of my own home on my day off while hurting nobody!


I should also point out that I was until now indifferent to the game and prolly would not have bothered had some sanctimonious twat not kicked off, but so help me it is going to the top of the crimbo list now!

Friday, 6 November 2009

There's nothing more frightening then driving with a live goddamn cougar next to you.

It's because it's what you love. It is who you were born to be. And here you sit, thinking. Well, you are not a thinker. You are a doer. And that's what you need to do. You don't need to think. You need to do. You need speed. You need to go out there, and you need to rev your engine. You need to fire it up. You need to grab a hold of that line between speed and chaos, and you need to wrestle it to the ground like a demon cobra!

And then, when the fear rises up in your belly, you use it. And you know that fear is powerful, because it has been there for billions of years. And it is good. And you use it. And you ride it; you ride it like a skeleton horse through the gates of hell, and then you win,. You WIN! And you don't win for anybody else. You win for you, you know why? Because a man takes what he wants. He takes it all. And you're a man, aren't you? Aren't you?