Wednesday, 27 January 2010

Science is Interesting

What the Fuck do you know Avril!

1st off, why Last FM think Avril Lavigne is in the same league as the Biffy I don't know but then, to have the nasally little harridan squeaking about chilling out and not yelling!

It's not on, fucking teenager, yeah, I'd chill the fuck out if my dad owned the label too!

I'm not eve sure having listened to the song what has caused everything to be complicated? apparently some wardrobe malfunction? well mid life is going to hit that girl like a fucking runaway train if what her vacuous boyfriend wears is the most complicated thing she has ever had to deal with!

waste of a decent pair of tits!

Did Harriet Harman just make a sexist joke at PMQs?

shouting at Hague across the dispatch box

"I have to say his reversing is even worse than mine"


Tuesday, 26 January 2010

Fuck You, Fuck You and your stupid school too say Students

In a move that must be horrifying the assembled masses of wonkdom students, essentially school kids, who have been taught for years to kowtow to the bell and to do what they are told right down to what fucking haircut they can have kicked off a rebellion/hate campaign via Facebook.

It would appear that after studying a nice narrow biology course they were unprepared for the random subjects that the qualifications authority set the exam on.

I've been through this sort of shit and I can tell them that no matter how much, yeah, we'll take these circs into account gets spouted, there is absolutely no way that the grey rules obsessed fuck stains moonlighting from the NUT will deviate from their marking plan.

Essentially therefore, if you were planning a career biology related then you're fucked.

Monday, 25 January 2010

Burns Night!

Whoop Whoop! Mashed up spicey bits of animal that nobody else is brave enough to scoff! Thus what this blog needs is a bit of Burns!

O, wad some Power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as others see us!
It wad frae monie a blunder free us,
An' foolish notion.
What airs in dress an' gait wad lea'e us
An' ev'n Devotion.

Spaced is true genius

Daisy: Right, I'm going to the shops. D'you want anything?
Tim: Porn.
Daisy: Tim, I'm not going to buy you porn. You can get it from railway sidings like everybody else.
Tim: I can't, I'm an adult. I'm supposed to leave it there.

Thursday, 21 January 2010

From the Lady Sack (Patent Pending)

Breaking News! Gerbil shot in Glasgow

Glasgow turned into downtown LA without the hot weather or the 'low fat chicks' according to one resident as ‘Gerbil’ is shot dead outside of Asda Robroystion.

The incident where Kevin "Gerbil" Carroll was shot was something that he had survived before, but had unfortunately failed to survive another gun attack again after being shot directly by a non-inebriated Glasgow criminal hitman. The police have been making enquires on how the Glasgow gangster was shot after buying a pint of milk, Daily Record and smart price scotch egg. The tragedy here the police say is not just that a man died, nor was it somebody’s son, but the fact the ‘poor bastard just goat hissel a bag fur life’.

Police have made perimeter around the store with rumours abounding as to whether he was gunned down for his animal rights credentials being called Gerbil. Latititia Fannyslack commented that “sometimes being a lover of animals can inflame the wrong people, just watch Guerrillas in the Mist

This and other even more tenuous leads are being followed by the police, who have reportedly fled after the Ned quotient in the area swelled as have the amount of Gangster Rap records at the store itself.

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

You know how I say women are mental

and then some would be cherry popper tips up and makes a vague plea that they aren't all bad and you can actually sleep with both eyes closed when kipping at her place

and then I say "no they are all the same, they are all mental"

and then there is a sort of yeah but no but yeah but no cause it's the meedja (cue chris rock style 'I ain't looking over my shoulder for the meedja when I am at a cash point')

well check this, from uber scorching Megan if I had a blender for a vage i'd still get a queue of blokes desperate to fuck me Fox

"I am pretty sure I am a doppelganger for Alan Alda. I'm a tranny. I'm a man. I'm so painfully insecure. I'm on the verge of vomiting now. I am so horrified that I am here, and embarrassed. I'm scared."

That was her red carpet interview at the Golden Globes. So essentially the point I'm making is it's okay for women to be mental cause you are all mental.

Tuesday, 19 January 2010

Tits are awesome

On this day

19 January
  • 3000 BC: Egyptians invent papyrus

  • 2999 BC: First pornographic papyrus, featuring Nefertiti. Men say they "just read it for the hieroglyphs".

  • 2998 BC: Chronic shortage of hand lotion sparks down fall of Egyptian Civilization

Amazing Horse Cover by Italian (it would be fucking italians!) band The Nerd Follia

Monday, 18 January 2010

Sunday, 17 January 2010

How To Fuck your Friend's Sister(s) And Get Away With It

Most men have a dormant sexual attraction to most females that they come into contact with. Men that do not have this attraction are gay. When a man comes into contact with the sister of a friend, the attraction comes to the fore and takes over his mind. If a man does not feel this it us because his friend's sister is not hot enough. Many men have tried to have some uninterrupted time with the girl (or girls) in question but most have failed. Don't let that happen to you. What you need to know is How To Fuck your Friend's Sister(s) And Get Away With It. Okay, let's get right down to it. Please be careful as to not miss read this article and believe it says, "HowTo Fuck Your Sister(s) And Get Away With It", because doing that is already easy enough and the last thing you would want is Uncyclopedia making it more difficult for you. Which reminds me, my cousin is hot and we haven't spoken in a while...

Step 1: Discovering the Sister

If you know your friend has a sister, skip this step. If you don't have any friends, get some and then follow these instructions.

Right then... Well, the most obvious way of finding out if your friend has a sister is to ask:
"You got a sister or what?"
Don't do this. It's way too obvious. What you should do is to ask:
"You got any siblings?"
This way, you don't sound gay or perverted (If you're interested, this also works if you want their brother). When you ask this, you should not look as lust-fuelled as I know you might will be. You should look curious and interested. If they say:
you should to ask how many and what gender. This shouldn't sound suspicious, especially if you start the conversation when both of you are really bored and feel like talking.
If they say:
you have to end the conversation smoothly, find another friend and do everything again.
If your friend says that they've only got brothers, you should ask their ages and names. It would sound suspicious if you ended the conversation after they said they had brothers. When you finish the conversation, find another friend and repeat this step until you discover a sister. When you do, smile sweetly and say:
"What's her name?"
Your friend would then tell you. Then you say:
"That's a nice name. How old is she?"
Your friend will tell you. Now, if her age seems satisfactory, you can continue to the next step. If she is too young or old or has a weird name that you don't like, find another friend and try again. If your friend is a guy and his sister(s) is/are younger than him you have to be very careful when you proceed with the next steps. If you find more than one sister and succeed in discovering their names and ages, you're a lucky bastard.

Step 2: Finding out if She's Hot

So, you know your friend has a sister, but does she fulfill your high expectations? You must find out...

You have to engineer a way of seeing your friend's sister without arousing suspicion. A good way to do this is to get really close to your friend, close enough that you can start going over to their place without being having the door slammed in your face. You should then go to their place as many times as you have to in order to stare at see your potential sex slave "fuck-buddy".

If your friend's sister doesn't live with them, you have to find some way of discreetly discovering her location. If she's in another country and you're broke, too bad, start again with another friend. If you can find her, great! Carry on!

If you can't find her or you don't like the way that she looks, (groan) start all over again with another friend.

If you think she's hotter than Megan Fox on the sun, continue to the next step.

If there's more than one of them and only one of them is hot enough, you can decide what to do with the unworthy one. If they're both hot, you're an impossibly lucky son of a bitch.

Step 3: Laying the Foundations...

Before you get intimate with your friend's sister, you must make her like you. (Unless you don't give a fuck. If this is the case, skip this step and follow the part of Step 4 that is intended for people planning to rape their target and disappear).

Continue your regular visits to your friend's house. Start to talk to her, make her like and trust you. If there's two of them, peform this step on both of them. It's probably best if you do this when your friend, their parents, and any other unwanted relatives are not around Try and sound drunk and perverted sweet and inviting. If you're retarded shy, girls can think it's cute, but this is risky, because you might look like a whimp to a clever girl (one who isn't a blonde).

Keep trying until she likes you. (If she's blonde, you just need to tell her to like you, it always works.) Once she likes you and trusts you, you have to get closer...

Use a few pick-up lines, compliment her, stare at her, basically, make her feel good.

Don't go too far. Stop when she starts staring at you. If you stop just short of sexual harassment abuse arousal, you can trick her into thinking that you like her as a person, when, really you just want to force your cock in the soft, tender hole that God had created for you.

Step 4: Let the Fun Begin...

(i)If You're NOT Going to Rape Her:

Once she starts staring at your cock, you're ready. if you've got more than one with you and they all stare at your cock, you're so fucking lucky! I hate you! Do the following to all of them at the same time.

Make sure the parents are not around. If your friend is male, get him out of the way too. If they have any other family there get rid of them. But if your friend is a hot girl why did you go for her sister when it would be so simple to go for her?! If she is hot, keep her around.

Look a her,catch her eye, look at your cock, and then look back at her. If she nods or smiles or does something else that blatantly says: "Fuck me now!", guide her to her bedroom and get her on the bed. Rip her clothes off while looking her in the eye. This will maintain the illusion that you like her and not her near-perfect, luscious body. If you do actually like her, you don't have to act.

Once she's completely naked, get your cock out and tell her to suck it. If you've got more than one girl, you can decide what to do with them. From then on, do what you like, condoms are optional.

If you kept your friend around because she's a hot girl, make as much noise as you can while banging her sister(s). She should come to find out what it is. When she does, get her involved. This should keep her quiet and you'll get more satisfaction. Just in case her family come back, barricade the door until you're done.

(ii)If You ARE Going to Rape Her:

You deserve to be anally abused 'till you die!

Step 5: Afterwards

(i)If You Raped Her:

If you want to keep her, knock her out again, put her in a bag and get out quickly. If your friend's a hot girl, and you want her too, come back for her later. Do the same if you want her other sisters too.

When you leave, you have to go somewhere far away and hide. Mexico is a good option. Once you're there, you need to blend in so the family of girl can't find you (see HowTo:Be Mexican if you chose Mexico).

When and if you choose to come back for another of the girls, do it quick then go back to wherever you're hiding. Don't feel guilty, they love it really

(ii)If You Had Some Nice Honest Sex With Her/Them:

If you wish to have a relationship with her or her sisters or your friend or all of them, do so. If you want to keep her/them for your own perverted reasons and physical needs you can do that too. If you don't want to, either tell them and go or just disappear.


If you managed all these steps and did not get arrested, killed, bitten, shot at, or harmed in any other way, you've learnt how to Fuck Your Friend's Sister(s) And Get Away With It!

Lessons I need to fucking learn quicker

Saturday, 16 January 2010

Tits are awesome (special fuck you Yasmine and your nutter apologising ravings edition!)

Because Yasmin Alibhai-Brown, writing in the Indy has declared that having fun, blowing off steam and generally doing as you want rather than kowtowing to random scumbag authority/religious figures causes and, indeed, justifies terrorism here, this evil, incitful image of a girl not brutally suppressed under a burkha is dedicated to her.

Friday, 15 January 2010

Minimum Alcohol Pricing

The scene is Miscellaneous Identical Party HQ within spitting distance of Westminster

Party Leader: Ooooh, this booze Britain thing, people going out, getting hammered in an effort to forget about their awful problems and the horrors of not getting billion pound bonuses for watching the stock markets creep up

Minister/Shadow Minster for Punishing Fun: I know! let's crank up the price of booze, the working classes don't vote anymore, the middle class, well they're us! and we can be trusted to get drunk and chance the back roads home thus avoiding any unpleasantness!

Party Leader: That sounds like an excellent idea, but how do we square this with our increasingly nonsensical stance that we actually believe in markets and not just picking winners?

Minister/ Shadow Minister for Cunting up Money: We'll just ignore that blatant hypocrisy like we always do safe in the knowledge that all the folk who scream for markets have just got tax payer bailout and won't grump too much

Party Leader: Right okay, we'll do that, although, I can't help wondering if making booze more expensive than cocaine, heroin, cannabis and industrial meths might somehow come back to bite us?

Minister/ Shadow Minister for pretending the NHS is not a massive system of subsidies: Yeah, but that's not the point! nobody gets elected on solving problems anymore. People just vote for things to be better and we tell them it will be better cause we live in fucking cloud cookooland and they believe us because they went to school and were taught Democracy works and that they should respect authority.

Party Leader: Oh, oh okay, print the flyers then.

Thursday, 14 January 2010

On this day

14 January 1610 - Galileo Galileiis forced to change the name of the newly discovered fourth satellite of Jupiter from Shit to Callisto.

Why do idealists cry?

Some had been idiots as mad as Swing, with a view of the world just as rigid and unreal, who were on the side of what they called 'the people'. Vimes had spent his life on the streets, and had met decent men and fools and people who'd steal a penny from a blind beggar and people who performed silent miracles or desperate crimes every day behind the grubby windows of little houses, but he'd never met The People.

People on the side of The People always ended up disappointed, in any case. They found that The People tended not to be grateful or appreciative or forward-thinking or obedient. The People tended to be small-minded and conservative and not very clever and were even distrustful of cleverness. And so the children of the revolution were faced with the age-old problem: it wasn't that you had the wrong kind of government, which was obvious, but that you had the wrong kind of people.

As soon as you saw people as things to be measured, they didn't measure up....
Sir Samuel Vimes - Nightwatch by Terry Pratchet

Tits are awesome

Wednesday, 13 January 2010

Tories are just as thick as Labour

iDave is looking ever more like Tim Robbins in Team America explaining how corporations fund Team America and then they are all corporationy in their corporation buildings.

Andrew Landsley is capering around pushing the horror of the grand Tory plans for alcohol labelling this morning as the latest puzzling nonsense, here;

Change confusing 'units of alcohol' to 'non confusing centilitres of alcohol', genius! is the line being pushed.

except units of alcohol are centilitres of alcohol you stupid moron fucks!

Tuesday, 12 January 2010

Jay and Silent Bob strike back - Justice's monkey!

On Freedom of Expression

Any test that turns on what is offensive to the community's standards is too loose, too capricious, too destructive of freedom of expression to be squared with the First Amendment. Under that test, juries can censor, suppress, and punish what they don't like, provided the matter relates to "sexual impurity" or has a tendency "to excite lustful thoughts." This is community censorship in one of its worst forms.
William Orville Douglas

Stop and Search under s.44 of the Terrorism Act 2000 incompatible with ECHR art 8

Old Holborn has a much better post here but essentially the European Court of Human Rights has ruled that the stop and search powers under section 44 of the Terrorism act 2000 are too loose and open to abuse.

As if there was ever any doubt that plod and co were using them bully the citizenry.

whoop whoop!

Rumps are Mighty Fine

(In recognition of an anonymous fellow Manchester litigator who has been of great assistance to me over this last shitty shitty week.)

Fuck off you retard facist fucking postman fuck!

If like me you are prone to making huge mistakes and feeling like a grade A moron you will no doubt have advanced the idea that, the should have long ago been put out of it's misery, Nu Labour gaggle of thieves might be not quite as truly awful as it is under Mr Alan I look sensible but really it turns out I'm also a massive cunt Johnson.

Well, I hang my head in shame.

The BBC is carrying this fucking please vote for us we're a sort of cuddly BNP nonsense here.

The gist is that islam4uk some of the dumbest and most odious nutters ever to bank a dole cheque, who planned a protest march through wooton basset (where dead UK troops are repatriated), will be banned under counter-terrorism laws, by, Home Secretary Alan Johnson.

So I am now in the uncomfortable position of agreeing with mad man in chief anjem choudry who has quite rightly predicted that "What the people will see is if you don't agree with the government and you want to expose their foreign policy, then freedom quickly dissipates and turns into dictatorship"

Yeah, I'm sure this will counter radicalism and is not just a sop to try to convince voters that a vote for labour will bash foreigners.

However, in a shameless display of 'fuck the election the UK will get more of the same under blue labour' Shadow home secretary Chris Grayling has apparently welcomed the decision to ban Islam4UK.


On this day

January 12: Political correctness throughout History/Herstory Day.

Monday, 11 January 2010

On Free Speech

Fear of serious injury alone cannot justify oppression of free speech and assembly. Men feared witches and burnt women. It is the function of speech to free men from the bondage of irrational fears.
Louis D. Brandeis

From the Lady Sack (Patent Pending)

Anyone want to half in?

According to Crains Manchester Business here;

Manchester's smallest pub, The Circus Tavern, is up for sale.

The 300 year-old pub has been run by George Archonodo, known as ‘Greek George' by regulars, for the past eight years, but he is due to retire.

Okay, granted I hate women but this is not about that

Women MP candidate quotas proposed reports the BBC here.

Which essentially means that, not content with stealing large sums of money from the tax payer, ignoring laws enacted to control the populace (Harman here) and generally being a massive bunch of scum sucking diseased monkey scrotes, MPs (or more accurately these days, the Westminster Oligopoly) are in the process of deciding that the citizenry are no longer to be allowed to decide who they will vote for on merit, rather ovaries will be the main denominator of success.

Rapidly coming to the conclusion that a Guy Fawkes mask and cloak is going to be the only way forward.

Sunday, 10 January 2010

She's a smart girl

The Mrs is an uber smart scientist. MSC in shit that I tried 4 times to type but still doesn't look right. She reckons there are numbers bigger than 45 Billion, the largest number known to science. She has spreadsheets of household expenditure which she fucking trends!

Bearing all that in mind, why the holy cunting fuck is she watching celebrity big brother?

I can hear her wittering randomly "who is that, is that Ivana trump? she looks good for 90", "Oooh that Heidi Fleiss looks dog rough, missing her drugs no doubt", "Awwww Basehunter realy loves that blonde one", "I need to buy some lady Sovereign, she seems lovely"


and after this, she'll turn over to fucking dancing on ice!

-horrific update "ooh they're snogging! they're snogging! basehunter and katija are snogging! come see, come see"-

Tits are awesome

Chronic Zimmerframe shortage brings Lancashire to it's knees

Ice has apparently caused so many falls in Lancashire amongst the brittle boned wrinkly community that a plea has gone up for any unused Zimmerframes to be returned to hospitals to ease the shortage.

Now me, I honestly didn't think they could make a film better than Crank but fuck me Crank 2 is awesome!

Saturday, 9 January 2010

On Freedom

History does not teach fatalism. There are moments when the will of a handful of free men breaks through determinism and opens up new roads.
Charles de Gaulle

So, you want to be a ninja?

Friday, 8 January 2010

You, Madam, are some Bad Candy

But what is America?

America is the name of the world's largest fast food restaurant. Covering about 40% of the North American continent (and constituting the sole part of it that is cared about), it is known primarily for its greasy food.

The eponymous main course of the fast food restaurant, known officially as the "Delicious Melting Pot of Freedom" and colloquially as eponymous to the restaurant, contains many diverse ingredients that are thrown into one pot, melted, smothered in olive oil, and placed between two slightly damp hamburger buns. The resulting fondue is considered by many to be delicious at first, before deteriorating quickly into bitterness. America also serves a lesspopular "America Salad" that uses the same ingredients, but preserves them in their natural state. Most dislike this dish due to its being "too different", upsetting the homeostasis of the body.

On Free Speech

The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion.
Henry Steele Commager

From the Lady Sack (Patent Pending)

Thursday, 7 January 2010

Assembles Council of WAR!



yeah, some of that!

UK extreme porn laws used to prosecute man with Tony the tiger joke video!


As if further evidence that the UK is currently infested with sopping target chasing easy meal seeking sopping cuntrag wankstain fucks was needed!

According to the Register here;

The CPS dropped a prosecution under the extreme porn law last week when it apparently accepted that the soundtrack on a clip of a tiger apparently having sex with a women rendered the video comical rather than pornographic.

What the fuck?

According to court reports, neither police nor prosecution listened to the soundtrack before the case reached court and the voice over became an issue.

At that point, prosecutor Elizabeth Bell withdrew the charge, saying that the prosecution had decided to offer no evidence. Questioned by the Judge, John Rogers QC, she claimed that when the case was previously reviewed the film had no soundtrack.

Bad enough before you consider that it is entirely likely that the CPS tactic was to hope for a guilty plea/ deal to be struck so they would all look great jailing a man for thinking outside the accepted permissible parameters which are allowed in the UK these days.

FAOD, CPS and Cops, I hope you all die slowly of chronic fatal cock (or vage) rot!

Monday, 4 January 2010

All a bit last days of Lehmans this morning

fuckity fuckity fuck, this is going to be deeply inconvenient

Friday, 1 January 2010

Nintendo enters sex toy market

LOS ANGELES, California -- Nintendo has upped the ante in the virtual sex game, introducing the Wii FISTING CONTROLLER in time for late Christmas shopping this year. This amazing piece of hardware will retail for a base retail price of $249.99, and is compatible with Nintendo Wii, and PCs or Macs with a USB connection.

Two add-ons are currently available, with two more to be released in time for Easter Break. A ScentModule© ($109.99) generates a range of anal and vaginal odors, running from mild and pleasant to utterly disgusting. The RealFeel© module is actually a bottle of goo which, when poured into the end of the glove, leaks simulated bodily fluids down the users hand and arm, also realistically scented in a range of strengths.

The glove can be set to simulate fisting either a vagina or an anus. The glove structure is filled with pneumatic pressure-applicators and sensors, providing RealFeel© feedback for a genuine feeling of the fisting experience.

The controller also comes with two games; "Rammin' Randy©" and "Fistin' Fanny©". They provide realistic High Definition visual simulations of the act using actual pornographic actors. Nintendo is courting several "queens and kings of porn", hoping to market to a segment which is already saturated with blue films.

"Darla" demonstrates the fit of the Wii Fisting controller, in full fistingregalia.