1. Manly Explosions are Manly – Explosions are badass, and every guy knows it… that’s why Michael Bay put so many explosions into Transformers (1 and 2). If you tell me you just saw someone eat glass, I’d be like “eh, that’s cool, I guess,” but tell me something in the backyard is exploding and I’ll be there in a heartbeat, beer in hand.
2. Hot Chicks – Ok, so hot chicks aren’t manly, that would be gross, but being around hot chicks IS manly, so is having hot chick calendars, hot chick beach towels, mugs with hot chicks on ‘em, posters of hot chicks, and car magazines with hot chicks leaning on cars, preferably all in bikinis.
3. Bare Hands – Men don’t fuck around, we don’t have time to. If something needs to be done, we’ll do it. When the wife says, “Hey honey, we don’t have anymore gasoline for the lawnmower,” we say, “No problem, I’ll just rip that shit out with my bare hands.” Or when the girlfriend is all like, “I can’t change this flat tire because I lost the jack,” we just rip the lug nuts off with our bare hands.
4. Manly Beards are Manly – When you think of a manly man, what do you think of? Lumberjacks. Lumberjacks have beards for a reason, to protect their face from the cold when its 10-degrees below zero and they’re fighting polar bears and catching salmon and, of course, cutting down trees in the winter. So the next time you see a man with a great beard, compliment him, we need to stick together. By the way, you should add REDBEARD on facebook.
5. Manly Cars are Manly – We’re not talking about your Ford Focus or your Scion xB, we’re talking powerful and intimidating vehicles. We’re talking trucks so tall, you’ve got to use a ladder to get in it. We’re talking ‘68 cherry red Camaros with racing stripes and an exhaust system that can wake up your parents (that live two states away from you).
6. Tools – We’re men and we use tools… for everything. Shit, just last week I used a hammer to open my car door just cause I felt like it. Whether it’s a chainsaw, a jackhammer, a wrench, or a screwdriver, we’re using it, and if we’re not using that, we’re using a sawzall, a nail gun, or a backhoe.
7. Balls – It’s pretty obvious men have balls. Now I’m talking literal balls and metaphorical balls. Ever watch a movie where a guy runs into a burning building to save a child? Or how about wrestling a shark cause it looked at you funny? These things take balls and that’s why men have ‘em.
8. Guns – Guns are basically like having a second penis. They’re powerful, they shoot, and girls are afraid of them. Not all guys want guns, but all men sure do.
9. Grilling – Men grill… or barbeque, they don’t bake, or “prepare.” Eff that noise. Something about using fire to conquer beasts and then teaching them a lesson by eating the shit out of them just reaches out to a man’s heart. And, we don’t stop at meat, we grill anything. Corn, pineapples, shoot, I even heard you can make a cake on a grill.
10. Beer – It has been referred to as the nectar of the gods, and for good reason. After a long day of working with tools and living off the land, a cold beer hits the spot better than anything. In fact, beer has been known to cure the common cold, athlete’s foot, and getting bitched at.
11. Manly Names are Manly – What’s your name? Betty? Samantha? Kristen? That’s not manly at all. That’s why men have manly names like Duncan Steel, Magnus Ver Magnusson, and Brock Lesnar. Our names define us… you really think someone’s is gonna want to mess with you if your name is Brick Rippley? Not a chance.
12. Football – Running into someone as fast as you possibly can with the intent of causing physical harm is manly. Badminton is not. Everything about football is manly really… tailgating (in trucks sometimes), grilling in the parking lot, drinking beers, watching hot chicks (cheerleaders), and getting loud as hell when someone almost takes another persons head off.
13. Manly Jobs are Manly – What’s manlier than being a glass chewer, a master beardsman, a truck juggler, a brick shitter, or a rodeo clown for sharks ? Not much.
14. Manly Movies are Manly – Let’s be honest, men only watch chick flicks if they’re trying to get some. To men, everything exists to entertain us, including movies, so when we choose what we wanna watch its usually something like Blazing Saddles, Army of Darkness, Braveheart, James Bond, Lethal Weapon, etc. In case you wanna know what other kind of movies men like,