Sunday, 21 March 2010

The Al Qaeda suggestion box

Doug Stanhope makes a good point

I wrote an update with an "Al Qaeda Wish-List" - the premise being not that I WANTED terrorists to blow shit up but if they HAD to blow shit, here was a list of good places to start.
In it, I wrote "Al Qaida really needs a suggestion box. I’d love to hear the public outcry if they put out a serious, red-level alert that IRS offices were going to be nuked. Or, the DMV. Or, whoever made those Geico/Gecco commercials."

So, I have rehashed some of his suggestions below in the vain hope that shouty random idiots might be able to do some good after all. 

1. Red Lights that photograph you if you sneak through
And speed camera zones and any other Big Brother shit like that. I am always saddened when I see piss-poor graffiti on businesses and public walls when kids could just as easily spray-paint the lenses of these mechanical thieves.
Every other deer-crossing sign in rural areas is littered with bullet holes from bored youth yet the photo speed-trap remains unmolested. If your kid is a prick and a vandal, get him a paintball gun and point him in the right direction. It's your job as a parent.

2. Airport Security
If terrorists would focus not on airplanes but on airport security, then the gov't would either get rid of airport security or create airport security security that you would have to go through before you went through airport security. Then the terrorists would go after airport security security until they had airport security security security. And so on until they finally admitted that airport security doesn't do shit.
Like I said before, you can't keep weapons out of prisons and in prison they look in your ass. Stop your nonsense.

3. Whoever Puts Shit on DVDs That You Can't Fast-Forward Through.
I just bought the box sets of Firefly and the beginning of each season has a run-on trailer for other shows that you cannot fast-forward through. I paid for this yet I am forced to watch advertisements for other shows that either I don't wanna watch or that broke my heart (Deadwood, which ended on a cliff-hanger only to be cancelled - forcing me to actually go to Deadwood, SD to see how it ends. It ends as a goofball tourist destination where nobody is named Swearengen.)
The only DVD you can get that allows you to skip the Piracy Warning is a pirated DVD and I highly recommend that.

4. Wasps
A wasp stung me in the knuckle today and I want all insects dead. First, we find the family of the wasp and pull off their wings. Send a brutal message. Then we kill a yellowjacket and leave it in a wasp's nest, starting a war between the rival sets of bees.
It goes on from there.

5. Derek Acorah
"Ghosts" shows, with the terminally gullible being duped and exploited is like doing Home Makeovers For The Rich and Famous. It's hard to feel sympathy for 'em, but, that doesn't make Derek Acorah any less of a fraud. I can't stop hating him and watching him and hating him and watching some more.
I have called around randomly to different tv channels and none of them think it's a good idea to do a television show where you violently beat an old crazy scouse man to death.
You suck the most and you are beyond an awful, human carpet-bagger. You are criminal and should be defrocked of whatever credentials you hold and jailed. You really fucking suck. You fucking parasite.

6. Live from Studio 5
I watched about 15 minutes of this show and became agitated to a state of pant-shitting fury. This show  wouldn't upset me so much if the same shit they spout wasn’t credited by the supposed-legitimate news for so many "breaking news" stories.
It's the same as if your nosey neighbor who watches you come and go from between her curtains was suddenly acclaimed as an investigative reporter when she gossips about you at the coffee shop.
Yes, the fault does lay with bankrupt masses that actually give a fuck what Pixie Lott is carrying in her back-pack on the way to the gym as much as the sponge-dick following her with the iPhone. But, if I had an Al Qaeda Wish-List that just said "Everybody" it wouldn't kill as much time. And killing time is important.

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