On Liberty

At least black people knew when they were slaves, you remain clueless.
Doug Stanhope - No Refunds

So yeah, The Coming Big Society, oh dear, where to start?

They say if you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day, but if you teach a man to fish…. then he’s godda get a fishing licence, but he doesn’t have any money. So he’s got to get a job and get into the national insurance system and pay taxes, and now you’re gonna audit the poor guy, coz’ he’s not really good with maths. So you’ll pull the HMRC van up to his house, and HMRC'll take all your shit. They’ll take your black velvet Elvis and your Batman toothbrush, and your penis pump, and that all goes up for auction with the burden of proof on you because you forgot to carry the one, coz’ you were just worried about eating a fucking fish, and you couldn’t even cook the fish coz’ you needed a permit for an open flame. Then Defra is going to start asking you a lot of questions about where are you going to dump the scales and the guts. ‘This is not a sanitary environment’, and ladies and gentlemen if you get sick of it all at the end of the day… not even legal to kill yourself in this country. Thanks again. You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it, and you wave a flag celebrating. The only true freedom you find, is when you realize and come to terms with the fact that you are completely and unapologetically fucked, and then you are free to float around the system.

The Immigration Debate

What would you do if you were the PM? (or President)

I’d love to spill a lot of specifics about free trade or habeus corpus, or the founding fathers, etc and the like but I’m really not that bright. All my reasons would be selfish ones – and rightfully so as it seems that a lot of other people don’t seem to give a shit about personal liberties. I’d like to have built my deck and studio without some local building inspector walking around my property like a prison search telling me that I need to have a smaller handrail on the stairs that children can grip – even though I hate children and wouldn’t let them in my house. I’d like to do mushrooms in Death Valley without the paranoia of federal park rangers killing my journey. I’d like to be a small business person without having to be a full-time accountant to appease the IRS. I’d like to wear shoes with laces in the airport. I could go on
Doug Stanhope

The Al Qaeda suggestion box

Doug Stanhope makes a good point

I wrote an update with an "Al Qaeda Wish-List" - the premise being not that I WANTED terrorists to blow shit up but if they HAD to blow shit, here was a list of good places to start.

 

In it, I wrote "Al Qaida really needs a suggestion box. I’d love to hear the public outcry if they put out a serious, red-level alert that IRS offices were going to be nuked. Or, the DMV. Or, whoever made those Geico/Gecco commercials."

So, I have rehashed some of his suggestions below in the vain hope that shouty random idiots might be able to do some good after all. 

1. Red Lights that photograph you if you sneak through

And speed camera zones and any other Big Brother shit like that. I am always saddened when I see piss-poor graffiti on businesses and public walls when kids could just as easily spray-paint the lenses of these mechanical thieves.

Every other deer-crossing sign in rural areas is littered with bullet holes from bored youth yet the photo speed-trap remains unmolested. If your kid is a prick and a vandal, get him a paintball gun and point him in the right direction. It's your job as a parent.

2. Airport Security

If terrorists would focus not on airplanes but on airport security, then the gov't would either get rid of airport security or create airport security security that you would have to go through before you went through airport security. Then the terrorists would go after airport security security until they had airport security security security. And so on until they finally admitted that airport security doesn't do shit.

Like I said before, you can't keep weapons out of prisons and in prison they look in your ass. Stop your nonsense.

3. Whoever Puts Shit on DVDs That You Can't Fast-Forward Through.

I just bought the box sets of Firefly and the beginning of each season has a run-on trailer for other shows that you cannot fast-forward through. I paid for this yet I am forced to watch advertisements for other shows that either I don't wanna watch or that broke my heart (Deadwood, which ended on a cliff-hanger only to be cancelled - forcing me to actually go to Deadwood, SD to see how it ends. It ends as a goofball tourist destination where nobody is named Swearengen.)

The only DVD you can get that allows you to skip the Piracy Warning is a pirated DVD and I highly recommend that.

4. Wasps

A wasp stung me in the knuckle today and I want all insects dead. First, we find the family of the wasp and pull off their wings. Send a brutal message. Then we kill a yellowjacket and leave it in a wasp's nest, starting a war between the rival sets of bees.

It goes on from there.

5. Derek Acorah

"Ghosts" shows, with the terminally gullible being duped and exploited is like doing Home Makeovers For The Rich and Famous. It's hard to feel sympathy for 'em, but, that doesn't make Derek Acorah any less of a fraud. I can't stop hating him and watching him and hating him and watching some more.

I have called around randomly to different tv channels and none of them think it's a good idea to do a television show where you violently beat an old crazy scouse man to death.

You suck the most and you are beyond an awful, human carpet-bagger. You are criminal and should be defrocked of whatever credentials you hold and jailed. You really fucking suck. You fucking parasite.

6. Live from Studio 5

I watched about 15 minutes of this show and became agitated to a state of pant-shitting fury. This show  wouldn't upset me so much if the same shit they spout wasn’t credited by the supposed-legitimate news for so many "breaking news" stories.

It's the same as if your nosey neighbor who watches you come and go from between her curtains was suddenly acclaimed as an investigative reporter when she gossips about you at the coffee shop.

Yes, the fault does lay with bankrupt masses that actually give a fuck what Pixie Lott is carrying in her back-pack on the way to the gym as much as the sponge-dick following her with the iPhone. But, if I had an Al Qaeda Wish-List that just said "Everybody" it wouldn't kill as much time. And killing time is important.