Really Early Origin
The very first Canadians, or Native Canadians, came to
Canadians, or Canadianus beerbellius, are the descendants of castaways of two pasty European nations,
Back in the day,
A new solution had to be found. Great minds in both countries sat and pondered, eventually coming up with the brilliant ideas of more war and bigger war. These were tested on a small scale but proved unsatisfying, unsuccessful and unsomethingelse.
War, unfortunately, had two crippling disadvantages; dead people from war, and protests from the people who would end up as dead people in the next war.
A new new solution had to be found. Lesser minds from both countries sat and pondered, trying to figure out how to solve the dilemma. After many hours of boozing and whoring, they hit upon the solution; send the unhappy people away. This would minimize their annoying whining "on the home front" and if war came, as it inevitably would, the dead would not be around to stink up the place. They would instead stink up some other place. Preferably some place far away...and what place was farther away than
At that time, the region was populated primarily by natives of
...at the time, neither side suspected the hilarity that would ensue...
Later Early Origin
The occupants of the British part of
Meanwhile, the original natives of
The British Canadians, or "White Trash", and the French Canadians, or "Quoi du Beurre", of course, eventually resorted to war. Soldiers die easy; old habits, however, die hard.
The victory of British forces at the
The victory of British forces at the
A Concise History of the War Between the Canadians of Upper and
Ebony and Ivory
After the British (in Canada) defeated the French (also in Canada) at the Plains of Abraham they (the British, still in Canada) planned, plotted and connived to ensure that the remaining French citizens would never be unhappy again. In this, they were absolutely and totally successful.
Origin of the Modern Canadian
This means that the average Canadian has a profound dislike for war, especially any war that occurred after
After taking part in couple of world wars, known as World War I and World War II, however, Canadians are surprisingly good at blowing shit up. Especially
During the 1960s, the demographic of the average Canadian changed considerably. Before that time Canada almost exclusively imported white people, eventually buying people from as far east as eastern Europe when the UK and France ran out of people that they didn't need, and all of those were white, though less so than those from Canada's mother countries. In desperation the Canadian government changed from importing mostly from
This lead to the fact that a modern Canadian may occasionally have yellow, swarthy or brown skin, possibly topped off with a jaunty turban! Some Canadians aren't even (gasp!) Christians and about 1/6th have no religion at all.
Strangely, they seem to get along, for some unknown reason.
The Unknown Reason Why Canadians Get Along, Known!
And for sex.
However, that is beyond the scope of this article.
Luckily, by focusing only on the worst stereotypes of America, via American films, television programs, and anecdotal stories about American tourists, Canadians have set the bar rather low for what it takes to be better than Americans.
Even more luckily, Americans have lowered the bar even further by consistently living down to the stereotype. Recently, for reasons unknown even to them, they've tilted the lowered bar to the right. See Pat Robertson, George W. Bush, Ann Coulter, Pat Buchanan, et al, for excellent examples of this phenomenon.
Canadians and their future in
The most important thing about Canadians, indeed, the single and only thing about them that matters at all whatsoever, is that at this very moment, while you're sitting there reading this very sentence here before you right now, is that also at this very same moment in time Canadians, from their secret base, Canada, are plotting to steal your girlfriend, if you have one, and if you don't that's really not a bad reflection on you because you are a fine, upstanding gentleman with good teeth and a winning personality or, if you're a girl, then they plan to steal your man or, if you're gay or bisexual then they will, at some as yet undefined point in the future, steal the one, or ones, that you love, and while doing so will also raid your refrigerator, divesting it of those especially plump and juicy strawberries that you picked up, as well as your last beer too, even if it's that Dutch brand in the green bottle that, notoriously, some people think is German, or perhaps they will just use this page and pages much like this one, but specifically this one and not any other ones, to export illegally long sentences by simply and sneakily tricking you into reading them.