Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Avoiding the tentacle rape (a public service announcment)

Avoiding the tentacle rape (for conventional victims)

Typical tentacle rape victim. Notice the schoolgirl politeness and lack of resistance.

In short, if you look like a young, attractive, and skinny schoolgirl in your schoolgirl uniform alone by yourself in Japan, you can’t. Tentacle monsters will find their way into your cunt faster than you can gasp out in broken Romanized Japanese, “Toomete kudasai! Kono ookikute youma ni hai-tanai yo!”

However, this doesn’t mean you can’t futilely try to ward them off – it’ll prolong your suffering but make it much more realistic to the reader. Here are a few things to keep in mind when being tentacle raped.

Always be polite.

1.Remember, just because a large tentacle monster is ripping up your vagina and doing everything from tearing out your uterus to impregnating your egg doesn’t give you, a woman, the right to be uppity. The monster hates that. Always say please: as in “Please stop!”, “Please! You’re hurting me!”, remember, you’re a schoolgirl…which means you’ve been schooled.

2. Don’t act uncivilized: everything you do during your rape session must be graceful and elegant – not slobbery, slimy, and dirty.

3. Don’t cuss: at least try not to, if you do and the monster does not approve, he’ll shut you up with a tentacle. However, he may do this anyway...

4. Don't resist. The experience will be more pleasurable for the both of you if you just lay back and get raped. Face it. You are to be raped. By a fucking octopus.

Always be docile

1. Too much resistance usually backfires.Because you’re female, you’re automatically helpless against the awesome wrath of a tentacle monster and a male counter part after they have touched you in your naughty place.

2. Don’t fight back: Attempting to fight and punch will only be futile, conserve your energy for more important things like telling the tentacle monster when you’ll reach orgasm.

3. Don’t bite: Don’t even try; it is not possible. After all, if it was, then how come no one in any hentai flicks/books that you watch/read (and you do watch/read it) has ever done it? Surely, it’s impossible and futile.

Never use your brain

1. Seriously, just lie back and cry helplessly.

2. Always wear skirts: they are very comfortable and attractive. Besides, if you wear pants, the tentacle monster will just ruin them by just ripping through them. At least this way you save $15 in clothing costs.

3. Don’t point out plot holes: If the tentacle monster is intelligent enough to trick you into being henta-ized, then he must not only have a great comeback for whatever plot-hole you might see, he may also decide to turn your plot hole against you. In example, if a tentacle monster tells you, “Buawahaha! It’s because you weren’t there to protect your friend that I was able to rape her!” it’s your duty to sink to your knees in teary guilt and wait for the tentacles to grab you, after all, it was your fault! Never reply with, “Well, you’re the one that raped her…” The tentacle monster will only rape you harder.

On combating tentacle monsters

Before they touch you on your vagina (your instant weakness point), you can attempt to fight the tentacle monster. When doing so, remember to:

1. Always strike a pose: striking poses frightens tentacle monsters and in no way gives them the needed time to grab you and rip off your clothes.

2. Always name your attacks: that way, you’ll know what attack you’re using (i.e. Moon Crescent Kiss!). This also in no way gives the tentacle monster foreknowledge regarding how to counter your attack.

3. High-kick whenever possible (preferably toward the camera): A properly landed high-kick will slightly injure the massive forty foot monster. The kick should be strong enough to send a tear like thing running down the back of the monster's head.

4. Only use something sharp as a weapon, such as sword and axe. You can cut all those tentacles off so you won't get raped.

5. Never use a gun, it will never hit, even if it does, it can't pierce through the monster's skin.

Avoiding tentacle rape (for the rest of us)

1. Get out of Japan: although still existent, tentacle rapes outside of Japan are significantly rarer compared to inside Japan.

2. Avoid the Internet: the web is full of rapists…and at least one fourth of them must have tentacles.

3. Be fat and ugly: tentacle monsters have fears too, and if you’re ugly enough to scare them shitless, you’re home free, you fatass.

4. Be old:

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