Tuesday 20 October 2009

You'd think the Draconian liable laws in England (I am Scottish but live in accursed England) would deter this sort of thing

Wellington

Posted - 14 October 2009 16:59

His left leg is circa 3 inches longer than his right.

SumoKing

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:00 Report as offensive

circa is a measurement of time surely?

Mr Coffee hes so frothy

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:01 Report as offensive

several african refugee families reside in his enormous flab-folds.

Wellington

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:01 Report as offensive

He owns a flock of miniature ducks which he feeds oven chips

Windowshade Curlymint

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:02 Report as offensive

He has the brain the size of a small fish and the sensitivity of a donkey.

Oh no wait, that's true..

Still adore him though for my sins

SumoKing

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:03 Report as offensive

if you ton this up I will post it up on my blog

abbeywell46

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:03 Report as offensive

he plucks his own bikini line with a pair of rusty tweezers

Betty

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:03 Report as offensive

His favourite thing in the world is a runny egg and sausage sandwich made with fresh white bread.

Wellington

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:05 Report as offensive

He once climbed halfway up Ben Nevis but then had to be air lifted down after receiving a nasty adder bite.

Not Too Fussy

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:05 Report as offensive

he likes spending his sunny afternoons daisy chaining

Suburban Samurai

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:06 Report as offensive

He won a first at Glasgow, has squandered three fortunes, made love to a thousand women, imbibed strange drugs, sold his soul for Rock'n'Roll, almost pipped Krugman for the Nobel Prize and is barred from every Chinese noodle parlour in South Manchester.

Not Too Fussy

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:06 Report as offensive

he knits all his own sweaters

abbeywell46

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:07 Report as offensive

and pickles his own onions

Wellington

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:08 Report as offensive

He once challenged the Bass player from White Snake to an arm wrestle. The challenge was turned down.

camenbert

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:08 Report as offensive

Some say he casts no shadow when in Salford

Some say he his knees pcik up jazz FM

all we know is, he's called the Sumo

Betty

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:09 Report as offensive

In his spare time he surfs the internet looking for pictures of middle-aged women with sunburn.

Not Too Fussy

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:11 Report as offensive

it was Mrs Sumo that caught him in a sack and kept him in her basement - she has since taught him everything he knows

Nick Lowe

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:11 Report as offensive

He admires and respects the RoF poster known as Nick Lowe and wishes he was from Edinburgh too.

I'm pretty sure the 'He' bit of that sentence is true.

Bungle Fever

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:12 Report as offensive

Rumours circulating in Motherwell as recently as yesterday suggest that his sweat has the identical chemical composition to Irn Bru.

eugenie

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:15 Report as offensive

his lips are devil red

and his skin's the colour of mocha

Dogmatix

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:16 Report as offensive

Sumo lessr known persuits include cake decoration, hello kitty memorabila collection and sack quilting.

abbeywell46

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:18 Report as offensive

He likes Jeff Stryker prison movies

Bungle Fever

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:18 Report as offensive

When he drinks blended whisky he pees cask-strength single malt.

Suburban Samurai

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:19 Report as offensive

He credited with modernising the city of Edinburgh in 2003 by introducing the backwards yokels to electricity

he is worshipped as a god by the cargo cult that sprang up following this mighty deed and to which 98.6%* of the population of Edinburgh adhere

(*note the remaining 1.4% of the population are gents from holy Glasgow whose girlfriends made them move)

The_original_IG

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:22 Report as offensive

he used an axe to hack off his hand at the wrist, then sewed it back on just because he was bored and wanted to pass some time.

Mark Corrigan

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:27 Report as offensive

As has been revealed on a previous occasion, "he" is actually a 14-year-old public schoolgirl called Arabella who is distantly related to the Duchess of Kent.

Miss Happy

Posted - 14 October 2009 17:59 Report as offensive

He often dresses up in womens clothes and performs as a drag queen.

SolsburyHill

Posted - 14 October 2009 18:03 Report as offensive

He is sixteenth in line to the the throne of Albania.

oxsnob

Posted - 14 October 2009 18:04 Report as offensive

He owns Jimmy Saville's original chair from 'Jim'll Fix It,' which he has had converted to dispense large brandies as well as cigars and cups of tea.

oxsnob

Posted - 14 October 2009 18:07 Report as offensive

(the inside of the chair features a small prison for petite girls)

Betty

Posted - 14 October 2009 18:09 Report as offensive

He is allergic to Latex.

Miss Happy

Posted - 14 October 2009 18:16 Report as offensive

I like that one Betty.

SolsburyHill

Posted - 14 October 2009 18:17 Report as offensive

His life story inspired the character of Andy Defrain in the Shawshank Redemption, he posts from Zihuatanejo.

greatape

Posted - 14 October 2009 18:18 Report as offensive

He has been chosen as the model for the reconstruction of the Buddhas of Bamiyan.

SumoKing

Posted - 14 October 2009 18:24 Report as offensive

I do like the sound of that chair

Wellington

Posted - 14 October 2009 18:25 Report as offensive

He has both male and female sex organs. As well as a set which Doctors are yet to identify.

*Cosmic*

Posted - 14 October 2009 18:41 Report as offensive

His favourite is a Dairylea Triangle.

abbeywell46

Posted - 14 October 2009 18:43 Report as offensive

he has a trick pelvis and no gag reflex

Wellington

Posted - 14 October 2009 18:45 Report as offensive

He lost three of his fingers in a bear fight in kazakhstan. The fingers have been replaced by Cadbury's chocolate fingers

Tamora

Posted - 14 October 2009 18:56 Report as offensive

he blows goats

Nut Butter

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:00 Report as offensive

He was named for Sue Moffit, internationally acclaimed painter of animals, principally known for her characterful portrait paintings of cows.

curious girl

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:26 Report as offensive

he keeps a colony of snails in his sock drawer.

Miss Mayhem

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:27 Report as offensive

Sumo looks good in a skirt.

Miss Mayhem

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:28 Report as offensive

Oh. You said make stuff up...

Sorry, misunderstood the brief.

Nevermind me.

Wellington

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:29 Report as offensive

He is leading a consortium of former South East Asian dictators to buy Newcastle United

Jadis

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:30 Report as offensive

He once loaned a knitting pattern to my Grandma, attempted to charge 300% apr, sent the boys around...messy...grrr.

Roast Beef

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:37 Report as offensive

He once spent a year in silence, so as to better appreciate the sound of a whisper.

Wellington

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:39 Report as offensive

He was present at Crecy and Poitiers, but had a cold and missed Agincourt.

chambers

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:40 Report as offensive

He's from Lancashire and wishes he was from Yorkshire like all the cool kids.

Hardman

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:45 Report as offensive

he likes spending his sunny afternoons chaining Daisy from accounts to his four poster and showing her some double entry book-keeping..

Wellington

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:49 Report as offensive

He once punched Leona Lewis in the side of the head at a book signing

Wellington

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:50 Report as offensive

He had a threesome with Stephen Gately and a Bulgarian

chambers

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:56 Report as offensive

Ah, correction. Just remembered. He's Scottish isn't he.

Doesn't change things.

Jadis

Posted - 14 October 2009 19:57 Report as offensive

Oh, I forget to mention that he wee's sherbert.

Suburban Samurai

Posted - 14 October 2009 20:18 Report as offensive

He has penned more than eight million words. His autohagiography, The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived, chronicles the life of an individual who shuns the everyday, scorns the laws of ordinary men, laughs in the face of convention, reinvented the ocarina and hates Leona Lewis

Wellington

Posted - 14 October 2009 21:39 Report as offensive

Sumo was both the long term and short term cause of World War 1

Wellington

Posted - 15 October 2009 08:37 Report as offensive

From the age of 2 he was raised by wolves in the forests of Romania.

camenbert

Posted - 15 October 2009 09:00 Report as offensive

he is a world expert on English country dancing and regularly competes in bouts of full-contact morris dancing

Bungle Fever

Posted - 15 October 2009 09:41 Report as offensive

In 1996, he spent 3 months constructing a scale model of the Erskine Bridge inside an empty Auchentoshan bottle. He spent the next three months planning to build an Auchentoshan whisky bottle in which he would enclose the actual Erskine Bridge, but his Icelandic backers pulled out in a disagreement over sponsorship arrangements.

Wellington

Posted - 15 October 2009 09:44 Report as offensive

In 1973 he invented Soda Stream

*Cosmic*

Posted - 15 October 2009 09:53 Report as offensive

His favourite drink is dandelion and burdock, Soda Stream stylee.

*Cosmic*

Posted - 15 October 2009 09:54 Report as offensive

Spooky, Wellington, hadn't see your post!

Wellington

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:03 Report as offensive

Great minds, Cosmic, great minds

Speaking of which Sumo won 8 nobel peace prizes but they were taken away from him after his brief flirtation with Nazism during the 1930s.

*Cosmic*

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:06 Report as offensive

Sumo is a London Irish fan but secretly wishes Digger the Irish Wolfhound would replace Big Bob Casey in the second row.

Wellington

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:12 Report as offensive

Sumo was part of the Uruguay team which won the first ever World Cup.

The Bean

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:13 Report as offensive

Sumo collects certified copy stamps from every firm he has worked for.

Mr Orange

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:16 Report as offensive

When appearing at court, Sumo sometimes likes to wrongfoot the other side by rolling up on one of these:

http://www.my-family-fun.com/pictures/barbie-girls-bike-1.jpg

SumoKing

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:21 Report as offensive

you fcuker orange

Wellington

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:23 Report as offensive

Sumo has been a nomination for Prime Minsiter in the last 5 general elections. Unfortunately he's a lib dem.

Bungle Fever

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:26 Report as offensive

Sumo invented the deep-fried pizza.

Wellington

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:35 Report as offensive

Sumo provided the voices for all of the characters on The Racoons.

Except Cyril Sneer.

*Cosmic*

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:37 Report as offensive

That Racoons one would be so cool if it were true.

Wellington

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:38 Report as offensive

He lost all his hair at Chernobyl. He now wears a wig made primarily from knitted sheeps testicles.

Betty

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:39 Report as offensive

Mr Orange wins.

*Cosmic*

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:41 Report as offensive

Sumo devised the the set of the Aztec Zone in the Crystal Maze. He also dressed up as 'Mumsie' on the few occasions that Sandra Caron was late for filming.

Bungle Fever

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:44 Report as offensive

He was Sean Connery's stunt double in both Rising Sun and Dr No.

Bungle Fever

Posted - 15 October 2009 10:59 Report as offensive

Sumo never touches a computer. He "employs" several "assistants" ("kidnapped" and "love-slaves" may be more accurate) to type as he dictates. He has one for each of his online activities: RoF, blog etc.

Wellington

Posted - 15 October 2009 11:00 Report as offensive

No one knows who Sumo's father really his. Prime contenders are Alexander the Great, Rasputin and Clive (his mums one eyed window cleaner.)

SumoKing

Posted - 15 October 2009 11:33 Report as offensive

I hate the racoons

Wellington

Posted - 15 October 2009 11:35 Report as offensive

WHAT?????????????????????

SumoKing

Posted - 15 October 2009 11:39 Report as offensive

no explosions it was pish

the whole point of cartoons is to do stuff you can't do in real life and a host of characters living in harmony in a wood is just a sort of TV prep school for convincing children they should settle for soap opera tripe

monkeygirkl

Posted - 15 October 2009 11:41 Report as offensive

He really wanted to call himself MusoKing but his fingers are so fat he can't type properly...or play the guitar

Wellington

Posted - 15 October 2009 11:46 Report as offensive

The reason he doesn't like the Racoons is because he was buggered senseless by a gang of randy male racoons whilst on a School trip.

monkeygirkl

Posted - 15 October 2009 11:53 Report as offensive

Sumo had a walk-on role as an extra in B-Grade film Attack of the Killer Tomatoes - as one of the tomatoes

Bad Fingers

Posted - 15 October 2009 12:06 Report as offensive

he is actually a young woman called Judith who lives in the New Forest with her parents where she enjoys cycling, playing with her dogs and setting fire to cars and cats

SumoKing

Posted - 15 October 2009 17:24 Report as offensive

can't believe this didn't tun

abbeywell63

Posted - 15 October 2009 17:26 Report as offensive

he likes a nice rimming chair

Cruella De Evil

Posted - 15 October 2009 17:38 Report as offensive

He is distantly related to the Wombles.

greatape

Posted - 15 October 2009 17:41 Report as offensive

He eally wanted the username Smoking Gnu, but had to go for a near anagram when that name was not available.

The Bean

Posted - 15 October 2009 17:42 Report as offensive

In his spare time, Sumo whittles baseball bats from oak.

Cruella De Evil

Posted - 15 October 2009 17:56 Report as offensive

He is so sexually potent that he fathered a band of little Sumo Kings, simply by looking winsomely at or in the general direction of 124 women of child bearing age.

The Bean

Posted - 15 October 2009 20:22 Report as offensive

Sumo knits baby blankets for orphaned children.

Wellington

Posted - 15 October 2009 20:25 Report as offensive

Sumo was originially due to appear in Friends instead of David Schwimmer but during the filming of the pilot show he managed to sleep with both Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox. He was asked to leave the studio immediately

Wellington

Posted - 15 October 2009 20:27 Report as offensive

Michel Le Roux's mad eyes are the result of him once staring directly into Sumo's eyes. If a normal person did this, their head would explode.

chatfieldbatham

Posted - 16 October 2009 07:13 Report as offensive

He hums.

Badly.

Hmm hmm hmmm...

monkeygirkl

Posted - 16 October 2009 07:31 Report as offensive

Sumo is responsible for the disappearing garden gnome phenomenon by planting moles in every garden.

oxsnob

Posted - 16 October 2009 07:35 Report as offensive

Sumo is in fact related to Paul Calf (the Steve Coogan character) and Asbo Joe and likes to spend his free time picking fights with pretentious goateed students in his local boozer.

(When he is not occupied with catching women in his sack)

His favourite other hobbies include smoking tabs, lager, and arguing about football. And having a good punch-up outside the kebab shop.

Testarossa

Posted - 16 October 2009 08:38 Report as offensive

Sumo sleeps standing up in a darlek

oxsnob

Posted - 16 October 2009 08:50 Report as offensive

Sumo has a 3ft long lizard tail which requires him to have his suits tailored by Kilgour. If you catch him by his tail it falls off, enabling his rapid escape. His lizard tail has been known to be mislaid during sack-related activity.

Wellington

Posted - 16 October 2009 08:52 Report as offensive

Sumo once blacked himself up. This resulted in him being elected as President of the US.

Wellington

Posted - 16 October 2009 08:53 Report as offensive

Sumo has auditioned every year for the X-Factor since it started. He has never made it past boot camp.

oxsnob

Posted - 16 October 2009 09:03 Report as offensive

*splutters with laughter @ Wellington!* heh! comedy gold.

oxsnob

Posted - 16 October 2009 09:03 Report as offensive

(at the blacking himself up gag)

The Bean

Posted - 16 October 2009 10:06 Report as offensive

Ditto. Another overt chuckle on the train due to that.

Bungle Fever

Posted - 16 October 2009 10:13 Report as offensive

Sumo once ate a baby - the other other white meat.

oxsnob

Posted - 17 October 2009 10:40 Report as offensive

Sumo used to be the drummer for Slipknot but the band decided he was too depraved and scary.

oxsnob

Posted - 17 October 2009 10:50 Report as offensive

Now he writes all of Rammstein's choons instead.

monkeygirkl

Posted - 17 October 2009 10:57 Report as offensive

...while moonlighting as bass player for the Insane Clown Posse

oxsnob

Posted - 17 October 2009 11:17 Report as offensive

heh @ Monkey! Trying to think of more.

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